So it's been a while since I've been on here. I've been really trying to work on myself the last two weeks I have off before school, and I've made some accomplishments, but also some setbacks. I still am avoiding my friends, which I wish I wouldn't let myself do. But I was able to make it through a trip to the mall and eating out on Monday. I almost had a couple of panic attacks, and said a couple of times that I wanted to leave, but I think I knew deep down I was fine, and didn't. Once I made it through the meal, the mall didn't seem like such a big deal anymore. As a whole, since taking the leave of absense from work, my anxiety has gone down. Some days are harder than others, but I haven't had an intense panic attack since.

After the suggestion from my therapist I decided to call a new psychiatirst and give meds a try again. I had a really bad experience with trying new meds in the past, so the only thing I take is Buspar. I was hoping the Dr. would prescribe me something take as needed, or that would help me sleep but he didn't seem open to that. He wants me to take cymbalta and an Alpha Blocker. I haven't filled the prescription because I'm afaid. I had a really bad experience with both Beta Blockers and anti-depressants and I'm not sure that trying news meds right before school is a good idea. I know myself, and if I experience any bad side-effects, there is no way I will be able to get myself to go to class next week. When I told him that, he told me if I didn't take these meds Iprobably wouldn't go to school anyway.

Speaking of school, I'm starting to get really nervous. I only have to go once a week, for one class, but I'm not sure if I'm ready yet. And if Idon't go then I won't graduate on time. My plan for now is to try, and not to put to much pressure on myself about it. I have a friend willing to drive me in that day so I don't have to take the train, so I'm hoping that might help. I also called my orginal psychiatrist, and am going to talk to her since she knows my history with medications . I wanted to switch because she always seemed cold to me, but she does listen to me and doesn't force drugs on me I don't want. I'm hoping maybe she can prescribe me something to take as needed, since I know those don't effect me as negatively as the other medications do.

It seems so silly to me, that I am so afarid to go to school and work. It was like literally two months ago when that didn't seem like a big deal. I really wish I could get back to that place. I think thing that bothers me the most is that since I don't drive, I'm stuck wherver I go. So if I do have a panic attack at school, I can't just leave, I have no way of getting out. That's an issue that I have to work on.