I’m 28 days into my freedom and I found myself wanting to fall back into the black hole of addiction. I told myself this year I was going to become a happier person on the inside by throwing my Xanax away. Cold turkey; which probably wasn’t the best way to do it but we learn. When I was 15 I struggled with home life and school. During school I skipped and hung out with “friends” who were the ones that introduced me to Xanax. I went two years bingeing on Xanax my boyfriend at the time would get us. I had days I’d forget how I even got home from school and not care about my own safety. I was in a destructive state and no one cared to stop me.
Two years passed and I found myself not wanting to be in that zombie like state anymore. I left my school to do online, cut all the friends off that were toxic, and started to get clean. I was proud of myself. I pulled myself out of a dark place with no one by my side. It was not easy and there were several day I wanted to cave in but I hung in there and got through.
Fast forward to today, I’m going to be 22 in 4 months. When I was 19 I developed a rare disorder due to childhood trauma and suppressing it all instead of trying to heal it. It began to attack my body and made me disabled for 3 years. My anxiety and depression never seemed to go away but by this time they grew stronger by the day. I decide to see a psychiatrist to talk about some medications because I couldn’t see myself fighting my way out of this without some help. When prescribed medication she gave me Paxil, and Xanax. I told her my past encounter with Xanax but she showed me they were a lower dose from what I use to buy off the streets. In my head I saw myself more wiser and understanding of my body and figured I could take this without any issues. I took them for 6 months and didn’t have an issue until my home life got rocky. As soon as my home life began to shift to a more toxic environment I began to feel that urge to just take them to sleep to pass the time I had to spend in the house. As soon as I felt the gut feeling I took my Xanax and flushed them. I was sad and angry at myself because deep down I wanted to just sleep away the pain, not have to think about things for a while.
It is now day 28, I woke up sad and my anxiety skyrocketing. Why? I couldn’t even tell you myself, I had no reason to be sad. I’m out of the toxic environment and with people that care and want what’s best. Some days just hit a little harder than others and that’s okay. I had the cravings for a Xanax to just sleep the day away but instead I went outside and colored. Listened to happy music and enjoyed the sunshine, the sunshine I would have missed if I would have let myself just sleep all day.
Today I pushed past my demons and I won!