Theres so much that I want to say. Im not too sure how to say it. Not too sure if ima make sense. But the words need to flow out of my body. I need to release this. WHAT ever it is.
I have to learn how to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to learn how to stop being the victim. Because I will get no where living like this. I have to learn that people you love sometimes leave. I have to learn that people do not forget. That people have large capacities of forgiving and concern, but once that window is closed it may be shut forever. I must learn how to accept this.
I must learn how to open new people to my life. And treat everyone with compassion instead of caution. I have learned that its easy to hide in the darkness. To get lost in fantasy, but its hard to live in the real world, it hard to be your self sometimes.. but being who you are is worth it in the end.
I must learn that I am capable. That we live in a extremely unjust world and I have the ability to help others even if its just one person.
I have to accept that not everyone will like me, understand me, befriend me.. and that’s ok.
I have to learn how to let people go.
I have to learn when not to let go of people.
I HAVE learned karma is a b*tch. but we are only humans. “There are no such things as mistakes, only lessons”.
I have learned that the greatest enemy that has ever challenged me, mocked me, devalued me.. lives inside me. And I must learn her habits, her excuses, and lies if I am ever to come out victorious in battle.
And all I want to do is shut everyone out of my life. But that’s not true. That’s what she wants. That part of me that wants to feed the doubt, the low self estem. She wants isolation. Lost connects. She wants dryness, cold, nothingness. She was to be left alone. Forgotten. Lost.
I have learn, that I do not want this. All I want is happiness. And for happiness for those around me.
I have learned that happiness is not weeks, months, years away. It wont just appear when I get a man, or a good job, or get to travel. Moments of happiness happens every single day. If I keep searching for it I will never find it. But If I just be. Just live I will find little pockets of sunshine that will inspire me to continue on.
I have learned that lack of inspiration and motivation can almost kill a person.. I know this.
I have to learned to forgive, especially myself.
I have to learn how to trust.
I have learn that if I do my part. Everything will fall into place. But if I do nothing I will get it in return.