So today is Valentine’s Day…a day for love. I miss being in a relationship. I look back on the failed relationships in my life and wonder what could have been, etc.
Looking back I know that I shouldn’t have gotten married when I did. I realize that I missed little "clues" along the way that should’ve made me say no but at the time I so desperately wanted someone to love me and have a family. I had always wanted a family. I did get lucky in some ways though…I have my 2 great kids because of it and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I’ve realized though that I try so hard to please my partner when in a relationship that I often lose sight of me. Until January ’08 I had been in a relationship for 5 years. During this time I did everything "his way." I always stayed at his house, did what he wanted, etc. During that entire time of our relationship he stayed at my house once. When he was sick I was always there to take care of him. When I was sick, I was here alone with the kids trying to take care of them and myself. Don’t get me wrong he did have good points too but it was always his way never any give and take on his part just mine.
Growing up with my mother I learned early on that I needed to please other people and this has haunted me throughout my life. I am still alone…haven’t even gone on a date since the end of the relationship. Don’t even know where I would start. I often listen to Wasted Time by the Eagles and the lyrics seem to fit my life because I don’t know how to start over.
I’ve thrown myself into my work and kids. I love my job (medical transcriptionist) but I work from a home office. There are times when I don’t even leave my house for weeks at a time. I love that I can be here for my kids at all times. I worked in an office until last year doing medical billing and had done transcription at home as an independent contractor after the kids went to sleep. Now I work for a national company full-time doing transcrption. Changing jobs was the best thing that I could have done for my family. They no longer had to go to a sitter in the morning and after school. Now they get on the bus at home and I am here when they get home. My time if more flexible too. During the summer I would work until lunch then we would go to the pool for the afternoon and I would finish my day after dinner. I never had that type of freedom before. We are spending more quality time together with this job change but there is a small part of me misses the "office." Ironically I don’t feel alone at work because I am part of a "team" for an account and we are constantly messaging each other with questions, etc. but it just isn’t the some "water cooler" talk.
So for Valentine’s Day today I am spending with the two people that I love the most, my kids. We are going to go paint shopping to repaint our kitchen! Not quite the romantic holiday most people dream of. I am looking forward to working with them on our project but there is still that part of me that longs to be in a relationship.