Weather-wise it's really nasty here. We have very high winds and rain that's been almost constant. I guess Zachary won't be outside much today at camp. He said he had a really fun time yesterday so he probably will today too regardless of the weather being bad. They'll do inside games and things like that.

Heidi has been pretty quiet and low-key today. She apparently has been fighting with some kind of stomach issue the last two days. I hope it's not some kind of bug, I don't want to take it home to my family and I surely don't want to catch it either. Right now we're baking cookies and watching tv. I think maybe a little later we'll watch Avatar if it's okay with her Mom. I'll have to text her and find out.

I'm feeling a little low but I think it has to do with the weather some. I really need to get a SAD light to help me cope with days when it's grey and rainy. I've got to have sunlight of some sort, even if it's only for a few hours.

I had another night full of nightmares. This one was about an old boyfriend and my "best" friend at the time. When we were young we both had dated him, and I was in love with him at one point in my life. It was so hard to watch him date her because I loved him and she really didn't, but he adored her. She was beautiful, thin, a dancer with silken curly black hairand he put her on a pedestal. Me, on the other hand, I was thicker, blonde, and his best friend. It hurt so damn much.

In the dream they had gotten back together andhe hadproposed to her. It broke my heart. I remember very well the anguish I feltat hearing the news, and then when I tried to talk to him she'd immediately show up and prevent us from having time alone together. Then she started putting me down to him, and telling him liesabout me. Finally at a party I approached him and pulled him aside to try totell him how I felt abouthim beforehe completely made the decision. But she spied us talkingand came over and startedyelling at me, accusingme of the lies she'd made up to keep me away fromhim. I started yelling at her and telling him thatthey weren't true, not tobelieve it. She was livid! She kept telling Christhat I was "evil" and I was "damned" because I wasn't a"pure Christian" like"they" were. I started to cry and my makeup ran down my facein thick rivulets but I didn't care. Iscreamed at her, and thenI looked at Chris and took his hands and told him, " I've loved youfrom behind the lines allof these years, and I want you to know that. I don't know ifit will change your mind any, but please take it into your heart and search for how you really feel about me." I ran away sobbing, and they started fighting. He wrestled out of her grasp and tried to follow me, calling my name ~ but then I woke up with a heart full of angst and tears in my eyes. I had to let myselfrealize it was just another dream, that I needed topull myself together. I still had a heavy heart when Ilaid myselfback down to try to sleep, but more images of himand our times together plagued my mind. It's sadthat I still carry part of him with me, but Iguessit's thatway with anyone you've truly loved.

I wonder why I'm having so many sad and scary dreams lately? Iknow it has something to do with my state of mind, but I don't know what exactly. The nightmarefrom the other nightwas about my Mom and I walking in the middle of thenight, and it was menacing. We were walkingthrough an upscale neighborhood, and all thelights were off. Suddenly we heard shuffling feet behind us, and I looked behind to see an old woman wearing an old-style nightgown and a tattered coat wearing slipperson her feet. She was mumbling and humming tunelessly to herself, and was fixated on something inher hands. My momnudged me and said"walk faster" under her breath, so we picked up the pace. Suddenly we heard yelling, and I turned around again to see one house blazing with lights and amiddle-aged couple out on the lawn frantically waving to us. I realized that the older woman behind us was supposed to be in the house and somehow had gotten out. So I turned around slowly approached her. I softly spoketo her as she shook from fear, and finally she started tocalm down. When she looked at me though I was horrified ~ she waschalky white, and had sunken in eyes and black shadows all around them. Shelooked like death wouldbe at her door anytime. I wrapped myarm around her to protect her from the chill, and slowly started walking her back towards the house. She was meek and submissive, and I kept saying words of comfort. The couple on the lawn waiting were holding each other, awaiting our arrival. Suddenly though she saw them and she began to get agitated. I tried to keep her walking forward and suddenly she looked at me full of hatred in her eyes. Allat once I realized what a mistake it had been to hold her close, because she was right next to my face. It came to me that she intended to bite my face, that she wanted to shred it in pieces, and as she began to open her mouth and come towards me I started to scream and scream ~ and that's when I woke up. It horrified me like no otherdream had.

So why are my dreams suddenly so vivid? And why are they so haunted and painful? Does anyone else deal with that when they're fighting depression?

I'm still feeling theeffects today of my dream about Chris last night. My heart's still heavy and I hurt. But I also know that I made the right decision a long time ago to end our engagement. I loved him so much but I knew it wouldn't have worked out. He had beliefs that Ididn't and they were core to who he was. Icouldn't ask him to change that, nor could I change me.So going separate ways was the only option. I miss him sometimes though.

Well, I'm going to go put in Avatar for Heidi and I to watch. I'll get to relax and snooze a little on the couch and see a good movie too. I hopeHeidi feels better soon,her tummy is bothering her again.

See you later all. Hope your day isn't as grey as mine's been.


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