It feels like I've been on this depression roller coaster for years. Literally 10+ years. I'm ready to get off. I finally contacted a doctor's office today to try and get in and talk to someone. The meds are just not enough. I feel like no one around me understands what I'm going through. I'm a horrible person to be around. And in my attempt to be strong enough to take care of myself and not need anyone I've just ended up depending on a bottle of wine.
I look around at my life for answers of what caused this, how did I get here, how did I become this person? There seem to be too many answers and yet none at all. I guess I'm trying to write it down. And I can feel the need to cry so badly and I just won't let myself. I hold it all in, gotta be strong, gotta do it on my own. Why am I so determined to go it alone? Maybe because I feel let down by my drug-addict father or my married to an asshole who's accused of molesting my cousin mother. I know, I know, it sounds like blame and I've got 10 fingers pointed in 10 directions. It just feels like every time I tackle one issue in my life there is something else. I keep piling all of this baggage on my back and I can't keep doing it.
I've just never felt right inside, never felt whole, and don't think that I will ever get there. I don't let go of things, that's a big part of the problem. I'm still holding on to the past. To the rotten childhood and poor parenting I had. And yet a couple months ago I suffered the loss of my first child, I had a miscarriage. I was only 8 weeks along, but it was by far the most physically painful thing I've ever been through. I don't know if I've even fully felt the mental effects of that yet. This sent me into an absolute tail-spin. Before I felt as if I could hide the crazy side of me. After work I come home and become my crazy self, but I could keep my day-face going. Now I can't even keep the day-face going. I've put on 25 pounds. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own mind. I feel un-helpable. But I guess I took the step to call the doctor and I'm writing it down. I really do want to feel better. I want to be a person who makes a difference and changes things. Being a miserable accountant is never going to get me there.