It feels like I've been on this depression roller coaster for years. Literally 10+ years. I'm ready to get off. I finally contacted a doctor's office today to try and get in and talk to someone. The meds are just not enough. I feel like no one around me understands what I'm going through. I'm a horrible person to be around. And in my attempt to be strong enough to take care of myself and not need anyone I've just ended up depending on a bottle of wine.

I look around at my life for answers of what caused this, how did I get here, how did I become this person? There seem to be too many answers and yet none at all. I guess I'm trying to write it down. And I can feel the need to cry so badly and I just won't let myself. I hold it all in, gotta be strong, gotta do it on my own. Why am I so determined to go it alone? Maybe because I feel let down by my drug-addict father or my married to an asshole who's accused of molesting my cousin mother. I know, I know, it sounds like blame and I've got 10 fingers pointed in 10 directions. It just feels like every time I tackle one issue in my life there is something else. I keep piling all of this baggage on my back and I can't keep doing it.

I've just never felt right inside, never felt whole, and don't think that I will ever get there. I don't let go of things, that's a big part of the problem. I'm still holding on to the past. To the rotten childhood and poor parenting I had. And yet a couple months ago I suffered the loss of my first child, I had a miscarriage. I was only 8 weeks along, but it was by far the most physically painful thing I've ever been through. I don't know if I've even fully felt the mental effects of that yet. This sent me into an absolute tail-spin. Before I felt as if I could hide the crazy side of me. After work I come home and become my crazy self, but I could keep my day-face going. Now I can't even keep the day-face going. I've put on 25 pounds. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own mind. I feel un-helpable. But I guess I took the step to call the doctor and I'm writing it down. I really do want to feel better. I want to be a person who makes a difference and changes things. Being a miserable accountant is never going to get me there.

2 Comments
  1. beanbag 7 years ago

     I think you made an important step by writing it down.  I am sorry about the loss of your child.  I have lost a child as well and that can be very tramatic.  Sometimes medication alone does not always help.  Maybe your meds need to be changed.  Getting to the doctor is the most important thing.  Come up with a healthly plan and work that. 

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  2. Jessa3eb 7 years ago

    Thanks for your support!

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