I hate needing people. I wish I could just be happy all alone. But when I'm lonely and bored I drink and get myself into worse situations. And I always try to communicate with people online… I can't be alone and be happy. I tried that on and off for several years and I always need to have some friends. We ALL need friends!
It would be so much easier to just say "Hey, I'm ok being alone." there'd be no drama and pain and hurt or rejection or worry. But it's sooo lonely.
For a while I was writing Fan Fiction at an alarming rate. I had episode after episode and I was enjoying it a lot, really getting into the fantasy world. But it got boring and I finally ran out of plot ideas, so I stopped writing and that was right around when I met P and when K came back into my life.
Then I had J, P and K all in my life and once and my cousin was teasing me (nicely) about having 3 men in my life… but now I am afraid I'll be alone. P and I are no longer hanging out. He stopped texting me. J and I had that infamous problem, worse than ever this time… and K… God help me if he leaves again. I live for his texts alone. I just want to see him again soon, God he is like a drug. Just a little and I am wanting for more and more.
Last night could have been bad, but it was ok considering how much I was drinking all by myself. When I finally got K's text I was drinking and he said he hopes we can use the hot tub together sometime and I said I'd like to watch Kung Fu Panda 2 with him. LOL. He said that sounded like a good plan. I just want to sit with him and have his arms around me. Look into his eyes… have him kiss me and make me feel like it's alright. Like everything's gonna be okay. You know? I really never feel like anything will be OK. 95% of the time I am so anxious I feel like crawling out of my own skin. The other 5% I am crippled with pure depression. It's a lifetime battle. It's a disease that I can not beat even with meds and the best doctors which I have both of.
I ate dinner but I want more. My anxiety is creeping in again. I'm so tired I could have taken a long nap, but I can't I am too riddled with anxiety and worry.
I want to watch more Baseball. The Giants got hammered by the Dodgers and I don't even care. I just want to watch ball. It relaxes me somehow. I like looking at the guys not just because some of them are cute, but because each one is a character and seeing them play is so interesting. I don't feel that way about any other sport. I tried to watch the Olympics but it was so boring. I am waiting for the diving which is a little more interesting.
When I don't hear from K lately I am worried. When I do hear from him I feel so much better. It's so unreal having him back in my life, but this time we're not dating, we're just friends and I really hope it lasts because I could use a good friend and so could he. We are good for eachother in many many ways. I just pray he doesn't run away this time. I know he will, that is what is making me so g*dd*mn anxious.