This is the first time I'm writing a blog after my teenage. Im 30 now and I feel old. I feel as I'm growing older, I'm lonlier than ever. I've felt pangs of lonliness ever since i was little, even though I lived in a good family & supportive siblings. But I've always been very emotional. I'd say pure. I'd never hurt anyone intentionally or answer back my elders. I was taught to be respectful to elders & everyone around me, but I think that just took my voice away from me and my hurt feelings got buried deep within me.
Now, after many years, I'm finding my voice. I feel freer to be able to express what I feel & think. but its just not acceptable in my culture—within my family & my husband.
Im still lonely. Just very lonely. I feel all relationships are temporary nomatter how strong they appear to be. I see my therapist every week. talk a lot, but a lot that I say is not always deep or entirely true. I cant always tell her how annoyed, frustrated, lonely I am with everyone around me. I feel nobody can understand me. Not my parents, not my husband. When 'm driving with my husband, I dream of another man so unlike him. When he makes love to me, I dream of another man I've never seen or known…just imaginary. Im frustrated that I have to put up with my parents, specially my dad. The only reason I've respected him in my life was that he financially supported us and held the family together. But I've often found him selfish & my mom always giving to him. I hate him the most about the fact that he never let me speak up for my rights.
Infact I just hate men. Why did they have to be like they are. Why cant they understand women like we understand and support them when theyre going through a rough time? My husband sleeps all thorugh the night even if he knows I'm sick, or feeling depressed & up all night. I will still have to look after my 3 year old nomatter how sick I feel during the night, he wont sacrifice his sleep. Now that I'm pregnant again, he still wouldnt care to ask whats wrong if I'm cring through the night.
If he looked upset anytime of the day or night, I would know and ask. Why cant he? just because he's a man? And dont tell me…oh its just him, not every man. I wouldnt believe it. All the men that I know in my culture are like that!!!
But..if only…….something if not people, can give me happiness. The true joy that stays forever. Why is life so hard and miserable. Why cant money give me happiness. Why cant few friends and family give me happiness. Even if I'm watching a tv programme that I like, Im not happy.
Im just not happy anymore. Nothing seems to make me happy. I ofthen smile even when my hearts crying inside. Nobody knows me, nobody does…. and perhaps noone will!