Staying with my parents because i'm not working. Worthless. A horrible mother because i love holding and tending to my baby but im selfish and just want to go away and die. I know he'd be better off without me. knowing that i loved him but i wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm a complete waist of space. I want to die. I want nothing more than to take the pills and close my eyes. I want to never wake again. I hate feeling this way i want to curl in a ball and dissipear.
He tried to be nice to me tonight. To help because my body hurts. So i took some pain pills and he said he'd stay up with the baby tonight. but i made him mad. he's sleeping now. and i'm sorry i've taken them. I dont like talking to him. Not like i used to. I wana tell him how i feel but i dont know how. I tell him i wanna die and he gets angry at me. I dont know how to explaine things. I push him away because he doesn't understand and he wont see that i'm hurting and he doesn't care. I love him and i want him to be happy. He'll never be happy with me.
I catch him looking at other women all the time. When we are togetheer so i know hes doing some serious looking when we are appart. Why does it bother me so much? I have serious streach marks all over from my son. I look in the mirror and cry because i want to just cut the little pieces from my body. It makes me sick to look at myself. And he says i look good sometimes But then i watch him check these girls out and watch him watch them walk and move and i wish it was me. I hate him for it sometimes cause it hurts so bad, then other times it's like i just want him to leave me so it'll stop hurting and he can be with somoene else. I hate me why shouldn't he hate me??