I haven't blogged in a long time. Mostly because I've become lazy and do absolutely nothing everyday except play Minecraft. As you can imagine, that has caused weight gain, more depression etc. etc.
Yes I have had crazy moments where I grabbed a knife and was tempted to do something stupid. My boyfriend minds me though. I wouldn't really ever do it though, couldn't leave him after his friend dying. I just sometimes get it in my head. I think maybe if I do something really stupid, they'll put me somewhere that can fix me.
My meds aren't doing a thing I think. Not for the Agoraphobia anyway. Its torture leaving my apartment. My legs get heavy and tired as though I've walked for ages, my throat gets dry and I feel like everyone behind me is going to stab me or touch me or something. Everyone else is staring at me…. yes I know this is all ilogical but when I leave the apartment everything becomes terrifying.
I want to be normal and okay. I want to care about things, have the drive to really try find a job, lose weight and be a better person. I have none of those things. My motivation is zilch, my energy is zilch… there is nothing.
I thought finally being diagnosed and getting medication would fix this problem. I thought knowing what was wrong would help. Nothing helps. I'm fighting a losing battle….wait thats wrong… I'm losing and I dont care,,,I'm lying on the battlefield waiting to die.
How can someone change that part of me? I cant remember ever being motivated by anything but anxiety. I got good grades because I was afraid to fail. I went to college to do a course I hated because I didn't want to waste my parents money on nothing and leave. Nothing I do is ever based on anything but fear so now that I'm resonably free from all that structure it seems nothing motivates me… at all.
I feel like an empty shell, I used to write stories and poetry, I used to feel like I would someday be something, now I feel as though my life is just headed straight for death. I'm wasting my life away. I hate myself