I haven't blogged in a long time. Mostly because I've become lazy and do absolutely nothing everyday except play Minecraft. As you can imagine, that has caused weight gain, more depression etc. etc.

Yes I have had crazy moments where I grabbed a knife and was tempted to do something stupid. My boyfriend minds me though. I wouldn't really ever do it though, couldn't leave him after his friend dying. I just sometimes get it in my head. I think maybe if I do something really stupid, they'll put me somewhere that can fix me.

My meds aren't doing a thing I think. Not for the Agoraphobia anyway. Its torture leaving my apartment. My legs get heavy and tired as though I've walked for ages, my throat gets dry and I feel like everyone behind me is going to stab me or touch me or something. Everyone else is staring at me…. yes I know this is all ilogical but when I leave the apartment everything becomes terrifying.

I want to be normal and okay. I want to care about things, have the drive to really try find a job, lose weight and be a better person. I have none of those things. My motivation is zilch, my energy is zilch… there is nothing.

I thought finally being diagnosed and getting medication would fix this problem. I thought knowing what was wrong would help. Nothing helps. I'm fighting a losing battle….wait thats wrong… I'm losing and I dont care,,,I'm lying on the battlefield waiting to die.

How can someone change that part of me? I cant remember ever being motivated by anything but anxiety. I got good grades because I was afraid to fail. I went to college to do a course I hated because I didn't want to waste my parents money on nothing and leave. Nothing I do is ever based on anything but fear so now that I'm resonably free from all that structure it seems nothing motivates me… at all.

I feel like an empty shell, I used to write stories and poetry, I used to feel like I would someday be something, now I feel as though my life is just headed straight for death. I'm wasting my life away. I hate myself

1 Comment
  1. sarah30uk 8 years ago

    I know how you feel, everyday is a struggle for me also and I get the way you feel about wasting your life, I also feel like this and hate the fact that I\'m here wasting air that should be being breathed by someone who wants to live but has no choice. I don\'t know if that makes sense, I know it\'s not helpful but I can relate to your blog. Recently things have been going quite well, the doctor has put me on gabapentin and it actually seems to be helping, I\'m scared that I might take a turn for the worse any day but I\'m trying to stay positive, anyway my point is please just keep fighting, it\'s tiring and I know it feels like its easier to just give up but please don\'t, eventually the doctors will find the meds that are right for you, you just need to keep seeing the doctor and tell him that your meds aren\'t working. Keep your head up xxx

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