Some days are better than others when it comes to my anxiety and OCD. Some days, though fewer and fewer recently, I walk into my house and I don't have to start cleaning. but many days I walk into my house, enter the kitchen and I can immediately feel the disgust and fear rising up in my gut. I also can feel my blood pressure rise.

I notice the dishes in the sink, the dishes on the counter, the crumbs, the empty sugar packets, the grubby stove top, the basement light left on, the dog hair on the floor, the bags of clothing and other various piles of papers, lose change and junk on the kitchen table. I notice the things that I think most people wouldn't…..because often times they are just a sign of life.

I put away any clean dishes, add others to the sink and I pick up the wad of dog hair blowing around like a tumble weed. I recycle the paper sugar packets, sweep up the crumbs in my hand and empty them into the trash (which is full and needs to be brought out), I hang up any clean pots on the hooks, wipe down the stove top (including under the burners) and shut off any lights that don't need to be using the electricity that I pay for. This takes me less than 10 minutes.

This makes me go crazy because I work all day and my mother in law does not. If she just cleaned up after herself as she went through her day, it would be very easy to maintain the house. but I know that's just how my mind works and not hers. When I am done cooking, I wash dishes. When I make a sandwich I wipe up any crumbs. When I make hotchocolate I throw the packet in the trash while the water heats up. When dishes are dry after washing, I put them away because it doesn't really take much effort. and if the trash gets full, I put it outside and put a new bag in the can inside…..all in less than 5 minutes.

Of course, that's just the kitchen. and that's when I realize the madness that I have to work through on a daily basis. I know many people have obsessions and compulsions but they don't always mean someone has OCD. Like most things, they only become problems if they get in the way of life.

Just next to the kitchen is the bathroom and I scan it when I enter. Oh, the toilet paper is on backwards, no one put an extra roll on the back of the toilet in the basket, or there is hair, water, dust, etc. on the top of the toilet, behind the seat and on the sink and edge of the bath tub. If I have time, I turn the toilet paper, wipe down the surfaces that look like they need it and close the shower curtain and hang up towels and close the door to the towel nook. I straighten the soap bottle on the sink.

That's just two rooms…then comes the dining room and living room, both of which I have pretty much no control over. I vac them both once or twice a week to rid them of the dog hair (if I had more time, I would do it more). I dust once a week if I can get to it. Most of the time I can let these rooms go because there are more pressing concerns in the kitchen and bathroom.

My husband and I moved in with his mother to help her out and so most of our belongings are still packed upstairs where our bedroom, office and extra bedroom are (no room for our own things…and we came from an apartment, so there isn't that much). They have been stacked there collecting dust for over 2 years. Sometimes just thinking about those stacks of bins is enough to push me close to the edge. Most of the time I just try to make things look as neat and functional as possible. I don't bother dusting or cleaning like I would like to but I try to vacuum. I scoop litter. I do try to keep my desk clean and I vacuum the stairs once a week and the area in the hall where the cat hair builds up.

I can't even get my mind wrapped around the basement. My mother in law has so much crap stored down there I can't even begin to write about it without losing it. My brother in law also has some stuff stored in the basement. My husband said that stuff isn't a big deal but I am tired of my stuff that I have been forced to store….to not at least be stored out of the way in the basement.

Sometimes I just have to get these things off my chest…my thoughts, my compulsions, my obsessions, because I am not currently in therapy and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it that wouldn't think I am insane. I know I am a little bit insane but I don't want to talk to someone who would be thinking that and not understand.

But sometimes it leaks out.

Today I had a short talk with my mother in law. She said, "Don't get upset when you see the basement." "Why?" "Because I am making a mess…"

That's just the type of conversation that triggers me. She tells me she is going through her stuff in the basement and then come spring she'll get rid of anything she doesn't want.

Fine. As long as she can start the project and FINISH it. She's the queen of starting but not completing projects.

I just don't see the light at the end of this tunnel yet.