(continued from previous blog)…..So, finally getting to my point here, it's this: It was like a chicken-or-the-egg thing when the depression/anxiety attacks first hit me three years ago–I started to feel extremely miserable with my job. I never was crazy about it from Day 1 for various reasons, but at least was able to tolerate it, but all of a sudden it became intolerable. So the question was, did feeling miserable at my job bring on the depression? Or did depression make me start feeling miserable at my job?…So what it comes down to is this: I'm afraid to get a job because I'm worried that if I hate what I'm doing–and if I do get a job soon, it will NOT be a good one and/or one that I can be proud of–the depression will attack me in the worst way again like it initially did 3 years ago. It's still there now as I said, but I'm able to cope with it somewhat better; if I hate whatever job I might get, what if I once again become no longer able to cope?….I don't want to go to the hospital again….I don't want to post horrible thoughts on FB again for all the world to see…I'm terrified that this could happen all over again if I get a job that I very likely won't be happy with…what if the darkness completely enshrouds me again? What if the inner-demons launch a vicious attack on me again that I am unable to put up any fight against?… It is NOT because I am some no-good lazy bum who doesn't want to get a job; I SWEAR I really do. I have a history of working hard(at mostly miserable jobs where I was perpetually ripping myself for not being able to find something better than whereever it was I working at the time,, but I won't go into details about that right now) I've worked two jobs at the same time for a number of years, so in regards to my past anyway, it proves overall that I'm NOT a lazy bum and that I am capable of being a hard worker….but…after my last experience, now I'm battling a huge wall of fear to get myself to try again….I have some job applications that I am slowly but surely filling out, but too slowly…I'm not trying as hard as I should…but,,,if anyone reads this, hopefully you will believe me that I'm not trying to make an excuse with all of this fear, and you will be able to understand what I'm going through. I have to fight the fear, I MUST fight the fear, I AM trying to fight the fear…but it is a powerful opponent.


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