It happens during the first week of every month…this is when I get consumed by fear that the person who helps me out around this time each month to pay half my rent(due on the 5th of each month) will stop doing so because she is either tired of helping me and/or can't really afford to help me herself…I'm just barely squeaking by financially on a monthly basis via disability for my depression, but am able to squeak by a little easier thanks to her helping me with my rent each month…but…ultimately I need to get a job so I can stop worrying and being overcome with anxiety every month about whether she will come through for me or not, so I can stop relying on her…and…I'm trying to get myself to look for a job, but…there is, this…"fear"..that I have to battle as I am too slowly making the effort to, in fact, get a job…and the fear is fear of, in a nutshell, well, what else, depression/panic attacks…it's bad enough as it is–the depression–not having a job. But the thing is, I think I can at least say–though I almost feel reluctant to do so for fear that I will somehow "jinx" myself–that I am at least doing somewhat better than I was in the last 1-3 years; I came down with this particular horrific bout of depression in May 2009, and it was bad enough that I had to check into a hospital four miserable times(at least, I think it was four? I sort of lost count) over a span of a year…I would bluntly post on Facebook about how the depression and panic attacks were affecting me(I would say things like "I'm having a panic attack; "I'm freaking out", " I feel like I'm going to die"; I WANT to die", and worry all kinds of friends and family members by doing so.)..anyway, as I said, I appear to be at least a little better then those very bleak and horrific times, for the MOST part( I still have very dark and scary moments. They might be somewhat less frequent then they were 1-3 years ago, but they are still there). Other people who know me and have seen me go through this the last three years keep remarking that they think I'm doing a lot better…but…it is still there, and it's still terrifying when it hits me hard. I might not advertise it as much on Facebook as I used to do(actually, what I'll do a lot of times when I'm feeling really depressed and/or panic-stricken is I'll still post these feelings on there, but I'll delete it after a few minutes because I really don't want to worry other people anymore who have seen me make such posts so often, and I don't want to scare anymore friends away; yes, I have managed to lose friends because of all of this, and it's absolutely heartbreaking to me. So what's the point of posting whatever miserable thoughts I'm feeling at the time if I'm just going to delete them after a few minutes and not know if any of my friends or family saw what I posted or not? I don't really know myself…apparently, it serves as some kind of "outlet" for me, for lack of a better way of putting it), but I'm constantly still having to battle it…(to be conninued on next blog)


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