REALLY bad day and night last night. Watched a ton of venting vids on YouTube. I feel like my bf is losing feelings and I’ve trusted him with everything. I took a heck ton of advil about 30 minutes ago and really want to die rn. I also (TW) cut some nice new lines across my mostly healed ones… great. So yeh. I haven’t been on here cause last week was the best week of my life and I loved every second to the fullest but know I realize I was just distracted. Bf also didn’t say goodnight back to me which is fine. Totally not like I’m gonna overthink everything and just assume he hates me… totally not. There was a dance tonight that I went to, hoping being around my friends would help but I just missed my bf more cause he couldn’t come. The dumbest part… he told me after the reason he couldn’t come was because he didn’t have a ride when I literally offered to give him a ride the night before! I knew he was just not feeling like going and didn’t want to be a problem but (not directly) because of it, I ended up crying alone in the bathroom off and on. On the bright side, out of my (around) 15 friends who I was standing around the whole time, noticed I was gone and actually texted me which made me feel better because at least one of them cared. I’ve thought of every morbid way to die/kms possible because I enjoy it. Funny thing though… my other friend and I had this conversation:

Friend (jokingly): I’m depressed

me: same

friend: bro I’m kidding

me: I’m not

then I laughed and she looked HORRIFIED. So knows I have had suicidal thoughts but she doesn’t know I’ve done it and doesn’t think I’m actually as depressed as I am.
idk man… wouldn’t it be fun to see everyone’s faces when the “perfectly fine, I’m just tired” girl kills heralded? They would have never seen it coming… throw a curveball… never let them know your next move lol

anyway, have a great day/night, love you to whoever is reading this! Thanks for reading my rant/vent, it means more than you think. (It was also kinda everywhere, jumping from place to place, sorry, I just wrote anything that came to mind)