It’s beautiful, sunshiny days like this that make me most depressed. Depressed because I realize I have no one to share them with. No one to go to the park with and have a picnic, nap, and just CHILL…no one to go to the beach with, no one to go ride a bike with, and it’s been that way for so many years. When I was in Colorado, I did nothing but stay in and watch movies which is just SAD when you live in one of the most beautiful, outdoorsy states in America…and that’s what I’m doing again, TODAY, the first day in almost 3 weeks that it hasn’t rained because I don’t know anyone to call who doesn’t already have plans.
I’m trying not to focus on what I don’t have – I’m truly thankful I have parents that love me and want to hang out with me. I realize I’m more fortunate than others. And they take me to movies…but it would be nice to have someone else take me to movies!! and heck, I’m sick of movies, I want some fresh air!! But I don’t want to go by myself anymore, I want someone with me…like a boyfriend!!! And I’m not crazy for having that desire. It’s not wrong, it’s not sinful, and no, "God is all you need" is not the answer. God is here, yes, but He can’t chill n’ cuddle and I can’t verbally hear Him speak though I know He’s listening.
If I can’t have that, it would at least be nice to have a best girl friend that lives HERE to call when I’m feeling like this that I can go do stuff with. But all I have, even though I have been trying hard to meet girls who aren’t catty or boyfriend-obsessed, are a bunch of VERY awkward guy friendships, none of whom I would be comfortable in calling because things are just very awkward right now with all of them.
*sigh* HOW many more years of this am I supposed to take?
I have tried to be different and think of others this week but even that has begun to backfire. When I’ve tried to encourage some of my friends they’ve just taken it as preaching, I guess, because some couldn’t even say thank you, not even after I prayed very specifically for them and tried to be there for them, they gave me absolutely no response at all…WOW. So much for those friendships ever going any further!