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This is my first blog. Ever. Truly. Kinda weird, I hear people that blog, or check out my blog. And I usually don't think twice and move on never caring or giving a shit. And that's kinda my life. I don't really know how to sum up my 30 years of living and not mention the following terms/phrases:

depressed, overly sensitive, mood swings, extreme lows and highs, always apologizing and worrying one day then fine the next. Crying fits that last hours, extreme anger, mood triggers, overwhelmed, lost!

Only the crazy thing is ..I have been off my meds for years. And now I realize that I need help. again. I just pushed it down, explained it away or no one has cared. My life usually hasn't meant anything to me. While I know I am loved by family and friends. I am not close to anyone anymore. I ran away and hid. Moved states away and now here I am. Alone, new state, overwhelming job, no friends, closest family member is 2,000 miles away. I wanted to be alone and that's what I got.

So why did I decide to find this site? And write this blog? Why now? I never want to talk to anyone. Or maybe its that no one wants to talk to me. I dunno.

But I know the way I am feeling, have been feeling my whole damn life….well, its gotten to me. Finally. I am unhappy, no matter what I try do etc…just not happy. Jobs overwhelm me. Making new friends is hard cause I am an emotional rollercoaster. Somehow maybe writing this down, this opening up, maybe something will help.

Maybe I will feel better, maybe worse, maybe its gotta be worth trying.

Maybe it will help me get a handle on my life that has always been chaos.

"Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs darling" Christian Slater— Heathers

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