My parents aren't doing well and I'm so stressed about them I can't hardly think straight.  My mom has had congestive heart failure for many years with by passes done and a pace maker and many meds to take and also survived breast cancer.  she used to be able to do whatever she wanted to do, shopping, coming to visit, reading which is her most favorite thing to do, knitting and so on and when she got run down she would get a B12 shot which would boost up her energy level and she'd feel really good but even those aren't helping anymore.  She's always tired, weak, fragile….on Mother's day while everyone was there she had to go to bed and lay down she felt that bad.  She sleeps a lot now.  She worries about my dad to the point it's making her more sick on top of that.

My dad has had congestive heart failure for a couple of years now not as long as mom has.  Not long ago he had a bowel obstruction that almost killed him and while in the recovery he suffered a  heart attack…he's had several small ones but that one was dangerously close.  He also hads kidney failure  now and they can't do dialysis because it puts too much stress on the heart and he is so fragile that he can't do anything to stress himself or his heart won't survive it.  He's stopped watching tv and the news like he used to, he loves to go yard saling and doesn't have the energy for that so you know if he can't go something is wrong.  He's just recently found out he's diabetic and has to take insulin but he can't get his blood sugar down to a safe level even after following the diet so something is wrong there too.

Both of them worry about the other till it makes them sick, they don't want to lose each other and hope that when the time comes they can go together and oh how poetic that would be.  I had a dream or rather a nightmare last week and saw my mother in her coffin with my dad standing beside me with tears running down his face wishing it was him instead of her.  That dream was so vivid it has stuck in my  mind ever since.  I always thought my dad would go first as sick as he is but now I wonder with moms weakness and all that maybe my dream will be right….I've prayed it doesn't come true but I know it will in time so I've prayed they go quickly or in their sleep with no pain.

Writing this out is helping to get some of the sadness down and out for what it's worth. My depression is worse, my pain is worse and I know it's the stress.  I have offered to do their food shopping, take them to doctor appointments, even said I would move in with them to help out..etc but they always have an excuse why I shouldn't I guess if I start doing that they will feel like they can't do anything for themselves and they are really stubborn. They don't want to lose any independence they have left. I know I have to be prepared for this but who is ever really prepared?


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