This will be my first post on this site so I hope that it is met with support.

So here I am…at rock bottom, trying to build myself up. I'm a 22 year old male, recently dumped out of a 6 year relationship (that I wish I could still be in) with no friends, working a dead end job and struggling to finish college. I still live with my parents, and my health isn't in the best shape.

That's the negative way of looking at it, I could also say that I'm being paid, I'm going to school and I'm trying to rebuild my life. There's a world of opportunities out there and I am young, and at least I am aware of my situation.

I want to say this is my first battle with depression but it's probably my fourth or fifth, with this being the first time I'm actually trying to treat the room problems rather than simply trying to "get happy" and fall back into the same anxiety and depression and negativity that keeps bringing me down.

There are 5 things I feel I'm doing to really work on my problems right now:

1. Going to a therapist, which is expensive, but will give me a place to work on my problems.

2. Staying active, with me and my younger brother working out every day. My therapist reccomended it because I didn't want to be on an SSRI, so I've started that today and hope that he helps me stick with it when I get low.

3. Reading self-help, different books and writings on philosophy and trying to gain a new outlook on life. I've been reading into buddhism a lot, and while I don't agree with it's core principle that suffering is caused by passion and interest in worldly things (well I do but I find it too depressing to agree to) I find it comforting in some ways. I've also been reading a book on getting over a break up and a couple on staying positive and taking control of your life.

4. Getting back in my recording studio, which will help me by giving me an outlet to focus on, rather than just wallowing.

5. Not contacting my ex or attempting a new relationship until I am fully prepared to give myself to someone and give them more than an emotional wreck. I want to have friends and I REALLY would love to have my ex back with me, but I'd just end up having the same problems if I make changes.

In addition to all this, I'm journaling both on paper and I'm hoping to use this blog as a scratchpad of thoughts. This will help me both by having it as an emotional outlet and by letting me get feedback and look back on how I felt when I move forward, and be able to reflect on changes.

I'm really hoping that I can get better. Right now I feel totally alone, although my family has been supportive. The hardest part for me right now is work, it's 10 hours of starring at a screen, clicking buttons mindlessly, counting my brain. I've brought my iPod and I've been trying to fill it would good music. My genre of interest is mostly electronic music and ambient, but I'll listen to anything from k-pop to metal. My therapist and family have reccomended trying to find audiobooks or podcasts as well, so I've been digging through that. If anyone reads this and has any suggetsions I welcome them.

Well that should be enough for a first post. Although I want to post a photo, just to remind myself this is my lowest point. I look terrible…and I'm planning on improving that as well. My biggest issue with myself is I look so tiny…I'm only 130 pounds, and I struggle with weight gain. I'm also not sure what to do with my hair because it's been described as "boyish" and I dunno what to do to make myself look better other than eat more, more time at the gym and just focus on my appearance all I can.

  1. carrotflower 9 years ago

     it sounds like you're doing a lot to put yourself in a better place, and that's really awesome, not to mention admirable. keep blogging, you're a good writer and in the little time i've been on this site it definitely helps! you're not alone in this even when it feels like you are, and if you ever need to talk to anyone feel free to message me. stay strong, it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job!

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  2. lovingannabel 9 years ago

    It sucks to feel like you don't have anyone, especially when you're going through tough times like we are. I'm really glad to hear that you're trying though. It's incredibly difficult for people in our position to even want to try anything, which is what ends up frustrating the loved ones around us, but it's not our fault. Keep your head up, dear. Good things will come your way soon enough.

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