I had my Drs appointment today and he updated me on my results. CD4 went up from 500's to 638 in four months! He showed me my chart when my CD4 began at 300 and has risen to 638. He told me I was one of his success stories and I should be very proud. For a second, I was embarrassed when he said that but then I nodded, smiled and said, "I am."

 

What a difference those two words made me feel after I said them. After so many years of such a negative attitude I had toward myself, I finally felt….pretty damn good! I'll admit, time after time when my Doctor wouldgive me my results and everything seemed to be getting better….I was disappointed. I secretly wanted something to be wrong so that my feelings would be justified that my health was declining and my life would just end already. {I wasn't going to type that last sentence, I had actually deleted it. I retyped it. It's different thinking those thoughts but to actually type them out for others to read ~ I feel ashamed but that was my honest and true feeling} Sick thought, I know but…to my surprise and my relief….that thought was no longer there. Things are changing. I'm changing.

 

Since I decided to let go. I actually am letting go. I am proud that I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm doing great! This is such an amazing step for me. Letting go of negative thoughts and allowing myself to feel good and be positive. Allowing myself…..to accept….me.

 

I knew I had it within me but I just didn't want to acknowledge it…which, in my opinion, was why I always felt so lost and always searched for comfort, peace….something to give me some sort of direction but I never knew where or how to go about doing that so, for years, I listened to the negative part of me which was always my comfort zone. Sadness was my partner. I had to let that bitch go!

 

Now, after finally deciding I've had enough,the resentment, the anger, the sadness I carried for so long….I let them go. Living in my past was my own prison and I have made the choice to leave. Live today. Appreciate who and what I have now, in the present. I feel truly greatful.

 

 

Monday, my mom and I are off to Los Angeles to begin our California vacation! A vacation I'm excitedly looking forward to!

 

I want to thank everyone on here. This place helped me a great deal….from all of you who gave (and continue to give) great, encouraging advise to others who simply share their feelings on here. Everyone's words on here helped me more than ya'll will ever know.

 

Take care.

 

Peace All.

2 Comments
  1. livelyintellectual 10 years ago

    I was delighted to read these words. I am truly happy for you; that you found peace in your heart. 🙂

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  2. yk 10 years ago

     

     

    Happy for you… continue living….happily!

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