Hi, I have schizoaffective disorder, which is bipolar mixed with schizophrenia.

husband and I
(No kids) 1 cat.

I’m on Facebook as “what are you even doing? This is so inappropriate”

I was suggested to come here.

So.
This is my current stress.

I had disability for 10 years, and I lost it.

I owe $30,000 to disability (IRS)
It’s down to $10,000 after being approved for partial disability
I reapplied
Because we were struggling so badly.

Every dime of what I qualified for, for partial disability
Went to the $30,000 overpayment.
($19,000 was soaked up)
Not by choice. They took it.

I still owe, $10,000

The disability income limit, is very low, for living costs in a resort town.

I landed here, through a court order and childhood-distant- family friends.

I’m not “spoiled”

The mortgage is here, it’s not $3,000 it’s not $2,000.
Lucky so lucky.

But, qualifying for disability, through income which is a requirement
Is so so hard.

We did it for a year, that’s how I qualified for partial disability

But I made too much money after I applied.

If I requalified
I would have to live for months, receiving disability payments
All of the disability payments going to the overpayment debt,
While
Being required to be on the income limit for disability
$10,000
10 months.

Yes I tried a waiver, it went to court, the judge was nice
Then she fucked me over.

My plan, is to get a commercial drivers license.

But this crusade of strength and learning that I’m on,
Is a trap,
It’s a dead end.
I’m failing, failing, failing, with jobs.

Acting normal, hurts.

Because my husband and I
(No kids) 1 cat.
are in the category of
“Not the only ones”
“Not unheard of”
“ in the realm of conspiracy theories, similar to critical race theory
Which is not a conspiracy
It’s real.

Critical race theory is the history of racism in our entire system
Justice system
Jobs
Housing
How, racism is deep, in this country,
It’s in the system.

Some students and parents don’t even believe it’s real.
(It is)

And this situation is like..
corruption before it’s widely known.

Probably….
Not believed, sometimes.

“That doesn’t happen to people”

I feel like I’m drowning.

I laugh, to make light of things,
I offend people
(Obviously)

At Walmart today,
I was laughing that.

“I know where the stereotype of bad woman drivers came from.

-okay,
What’s the difference between a bus driver and a bad woman driver?”

The bus driver. Is not losing their fucking mind, In between juggling
a fucked up life and doing errands.

The bus driver is at work.

“Stress is a choice”

No.
It’s fucking not.

Bad drivers. Are possibly more stressed out.
The ditzy drivers,
Are losing their minds from pressure and stress.

I was laughing.

At walmart, I was also;
laughing that
We all get old.
Most people live long enough to need a diaper.

It happens to everyone.

Unless you’re unfortunate to die young,

We are all going to be in diapers.

And I am not looking forward to it.

And I was laughing.

And it was
“Inappropriate.
“Embarrassing”

Then
I got sad,
By the time we were leaving.

Being spiritual beaten down.
By a lot of people.
By “husband”

Sometimes, I think he’s getting pressure, from other people,
About how *to* interact with me.
“Treat her… this way”

And in a small town,
I sometimes get the feeling

That people sacrifice parts of themselves to survive.
Not only as a work thing. As their life, itself.

As their life, they have sacrificed parts of themselves
In order to survive.

That’s life in a small town.

In the city.,
Everything can be a competition
Sometimes.

But in this small town,
You’re in or out.
And
Everyone is in a pressure cooker.

You can be “out”

As “outsider”

Not… “kicked out”

I often wonder.
If I would still be an outsider.
In a new place.

I’m such an outsider
That I don’t want to act normal,

Because life….
Is rough.

It’s “outside of the circle” type of life.

In the city.
There are predatory people.

Here there aren’t.

Somewhere else,
May not treat me as an outsider,
But,
I have to manage myself in a sea of people.

Our house isn’t clean,
Because
He needs help
I need help
We don’t give each other the support we need,
As unique individuals.

I need emotional support + adulthood support
My theory
Is that if I had better emotional support,
I wouldn’t need adulthood support.

He needs errand support.

Those problems combined
(2 screwed up people)
=
trashed house.

I feel rejected. By everyone.

And there is apart of me. That is shut down
For acceptance.

I can have perfect attendance at work,,
And,
There is socializing pressure,
That is so intense,

That it makes it hard for me to function.

Then, I start being late.
I have trouble sleeping.

My doctor thinks I’m sleep deprived and working a lot.

I said, it’s only 32 hours per hour.
He said;
You know, someone working 50-60 hour per week.
I said no, not me.

The hotel guests. Say;
“Wow you’re always here!

My W2’s are messed up.

For $4,000 W2, my federal tax withholding was $150
For $500 it was $2 federal witholding.

Two tax refunds are messed up. Maybe more.

Where is my 18% taxes going to?
25% taxes???

They are taking out. Way. WAAAAY. More than. $150.

So.
What is happening?

I feel cheated.

I don’t know why I can’t sleep at night.
I’m just worried.

I’ve been worried about my new job since I started,
7 weeks ago.

It was social pressure,
Then
It was about being on time.

Before it was about being on time,
It was about social pressure.

I work at the front desk.
Of a limited responsibility-front desk
Not
Like
A huge hotel.

It’s very, very, small, the highest pay in my life.

And I feel like the foundation of my job security….
*don’t jinx myself*

I’ve been on edge for 7 weeks.

I want a commercial driver’s license, and I want a course.
Not to be trained. By the county bus company which offers free training for employment.

I don’t have a car.
I have limited driving experience.

I would at least, like a car, before getting a CDL, plus I need a car to drive to the CDL courses,
They are far away.

In order to get a car, I need money.

My husband works at Walmart as a janitor
He lost his chef skills
From a decades long career.

He’s a recovered alcoholic, I helped him.
And,
He somehow. Just. Lost his chef abilities.
His resume from 1995~~ 2000’s
Can get him a great job
He just can’t keep the job.

My:
Mom died in 1998
My dad went back to his homeland
to retire
He can’t send me money.
My stepmom hates me from a fight, that led to jail.
She told me to my face that she was done with me
After seeing me for the first time in 13 years.
After She kicked me out of the house,
For 13 years, then they left the country.

No siblings.
1 cousin in the US raising a family.
All cousins are in Europe.

My husband. Is all I have.
When I have it, I pay $1,000 in rent.
I paid him back for supporting me for 3 months.
Support. Is less rent
Not “no rent”
Food stamps.

Roommates. 2 bedroom house, him in the living room,
“Because of the tv and the oxygen sleeping mask” and he just doesn’t want to share a room with me”

(We get bad roommates because of the living situation, only shady people are willing to live here)
I have my own room.
I’m not being beaten
Or pimped out
Or raped,
I just feel neglected.

My husband and I need job skills.
I have no degrees
I dropped out of community college twice.
No trade school training.
No real direction of a career.

My husband has bad health,
He partied so hard when he was young,
His body, is trashed

He’s not crazy old, he’s just beat up.
Badly.

So badly, medical problems. Up the wazoo.

He’s my husband-family.
He’s my best friend.
I have trouble trusting him.

I have trouble making friends.
I don’t know why.

I Text 2 people that used to be in my life, they text me when they feel like it.
I don’t get much support.

(1) friend. I cut off.
We talked about… stuff she did.
I wanted to talk about ideas,
She wanted to talk about actions.
A life coach.
Distant.
Distant like… there was so much I didn’t know.

It didn’t feel like a real friendship, and it was constantly pushed as
“Such a great friendship”

Friends, can help.

But a best girlfriend. Isn’t a life coach.
I got tired of
The life coach stuff.

I know. My text friends, are not real friends.
Sort of.

She;
Pushed
That we were so incredibly close.

My counselor, doctor, husband, text friends, dad, are my “friends”.

My High school friends, were the bad kids,
I was in pain
I was not understood
I was bullied at parties while being trashed drunk.

I’m not a partier. I was in mental pain, without meds.

I’m not a partier.

Cigarettes are my crippling addiction.
Not nicotine
I’ve had nicotine in my system
Every day
For probably. 8 years.

I’m trying to quit smoking.
I’ve been smoking since 18 years old.
I’m 35 years old.