I wrote a blog last night, but it guess it didn't post. I'm not in a good place right now. I thought I would be ok by now and working somewhere that doesn't involve irrate customers calling non-stop through the day. When I think about returning there, I can hear all these voices talking to me at once, the sound the headset makes every time there is a call, and I can't take it. My Xanax is doing a wonderful job of warding off any option to cry or have a panic attack, but inside, it's boiling over in my head and I'm trying to push past it, pretend it's not there like I used to, but it's hard to do that lately. My therapist says that I just need a new depression med and I should be well on my way. What if that doesn't help? What if I'm just that flawed..I hate that I've brought my husband into this, he works so hard for us and there are days I am too stressed to even do some simple housework.

I teared up for the first time in months today, usually I can't cry cause of the meds; it made me feel just a bit more human. Since my STD is almost up, I've been offered LTD by my job. I didn't think it would come to this, but what else do you do when the thought of going to the grocery store or even out on the porch seems like so much of an effort, you're forced to take a nap. A few of my friends on here are improving and getting on with their lives; when do I get the same? I'm just so overwhelmed and for the life of me, I couldn't even describe what's wrong. "I" just feel wrong, I guess and after almost a year of therapy and deep breathing and different combos of meds….maybe I can't be fixed. I guess the scariest part of that is….I don't think I mind it.

Thanks for reading


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