I know what I think I want, but is it really what I want?

It's funny I start something, like this blog, and then leave it open because I don't want to face doing it. Which is really weird, because it's just a blog. It was almost like subconcious anxiety. I've been doing that for months. I'll leave something open to do and just look for things to distract me.

I have a book waiting to be read. Clothes everywhere waiting to be washed. Clothes never put away. Bills I've never opened. Things to be cleaned up around my room. Piles of old paper to go through and get rid of.

It's so cold in my room. I have a portable heater I can put on but I have so much crap I'm afraid something would catch on fire and I just don't have the patience to clean yet.

The heat is on my house, but its central air and we have a moderately big house. It's old and drafty as well. I just got new windows. The ones I had didn't lock, had no screens. They were very chipped.

See I'm doing it again and I just realized it.

First thing, I joined a gym like a week ago, but I did it online. So now I have to go and give them my receit number and get my id card or whatever. I was going to go today but kept putting it off. I can't do that anymore. I just need to get it done. All these other little possiblites strike my mind and makes it to be a bigger deal that it is. I'm very disgusted with my body and I need to get back to exercising.

This stupid anxiety thinks it can come back any time it wants and control my life. Well I'm not going to let it. I can't go through this anymore. I'm better than back, better for longer than back. When does the cycle end? When does all the mediation and therapy I've been doing for years make it all stop and go away for good…

I need to focus on one task, cleaning up my room. That will help to declutter my mind and make me less anxious.