Like I said so much has been happening. So many rollarcoasters. I've been in and out of inpaitient treatment centers for my anorexia. none of it has helped, for a time I would reach a false sense of 'recovery' but it never lasted, i'm currently at 84 pounds.
I'm trying for the first time 'real' recovery and it's been misery. crying everyday, more then loathing everything about myself. my self harm has come back and depression is at an all time high.
I can't even leave the house, I don't want anymore to see me in this state and when I do have to leave the house (like for the doctor's or something) they have to drag me out crying and screaming, panic attacks.
i'm so pathetic. i don't feel i've gotten any better at all just worse. and now i'm just going to get fat for nothing. I can't look at myself without bursting into tears or hitting myself. just the thought of being seen, especially by people I know-
sends me into horrible panic attacks and tears. I feel so alone, my friends who I thought would always be by my side aren't….Ive made close realtions with girls in the places i've been but I feel I bug them.
whenever I talk to someone Ifeel nothing then an annoyance. i've shutdown and theother person in my world is me. it's dark, and painful. I pray everyday and try my hardest to keep faithful but i'm to weak…I can't.
I haven't even gotten into EVERYTHING that's been going on since i've left or the emotions that are consuming me, But I don't want to annoy anyone right now…
I just want it all to end. I don't want to do this anymore. Mybody dosn't know what to do, it doesnt know a middle ground. anything I do is one extreme or another. I just don't even know at this point….
I'm sorry, i'll shut up now.