So I’m back. No one cares. No one listens. I know that no one will read this and even if some happen to, no one will care. But for some reason I feel like this is my only out let. My old relationship ended… she proved to me love is a lie and lying is the only way to stay protected. She convinced me that honesty all the time was the only way to make things work… after I accepted this and opened myself up, she rewarded me by lying to me and cheating on me to then leave me. I’m back where I started now. With the parents. Going no where. There is one person in my life that I love. Found someone and she scares me more than I have ever been scared… ever ever in my life.
       She is everything I have been looking for, which is the big warning in my heart. Nothing is what it seems. My insecurities are acting up huge. Today is a melt down day. Started smoking again just to try to take the edge off my heart exploding but it didn’t help. I need a drink but I’m too fucking depressed to get my lazy ass out the door a second time. There is a rule to life, love especially. If you want to be happy, know as little as possible. I found myself being tormented, as things got better for our ‘relationship’ she drifted further from me. I couldn’t understand it, and with my self esteem my mind automatically jumped to her doing something she shouldn’t be. I felt… compelled to dig.  People don’t make it hard no and days, with myspace and face book and the like. Getting on AIM I merely followed her aim profile to her twitter page… I read back through her blogs all the way to the day we first met each other in person.
        I have yet to understand what I’m feeling after reading. I want to cut my heart out just to make it stop screaming… The best I can come up with is anxiety… it raised questions. Which to a point I’m happy. It’s better to raise questions than to answer them in most cases… She tells me I’m the epicenter in her life, that I’m just such an amazing thing. Yet her twitter account says nothing about my existence… a brief mention of her travels to where I was, but no mention of WHY she was going to that place… no mention of who she was going there to see. Just that it was a long drive there… Also my jealous nature picked up on a very frequent occurance of a conversation between her and another guy… friendly, without crossing any real lines of going beyond friendly… but I can’t shake this feeling of something beneath the obvious. I guess my major upset is her just dissapearing on me recently and her zero mention of me in her blogs… seems so childish I’m sure… but I don’t know what else… how else to react.                                                                                                                            
      After my last relationship of being used, ignored and then ditched for the BBD in her opinion… well what am I to think? expect? or see? Every action is suspicious… every word a possible lie… Every un-answered phone call a sign of cheating… my pain is making me paranoid. I can almost feel the seams of my sanity stretching and then shredding open. My hearts bleeding and infected, and it seems the infection is spreading to my brain. I have nothing to lead me to any distinct notions that she is doing anything against me, lying or even considering lying. Other than her lack of mention of me in her blogs… but still… this voice in my head is screaming at me… telling me to take some pain killers because my hearts about to get smashed open. Today is a day I wish I was dead… buried… dust and forgotten. I’ve had everything short of a total collapse of emotional stability. And the one person I need to talk to… the one person I need to converse with to settle this out, to sort this through with, Has been completely unavailable to me all day. No matter how hard I try to get a hold of her, she just doesn’t really reply…. Maybe I’ve done something wrong? Said something? In the few words I’ve texted to her possibly… My mind is losing grip. I’m exhausted but cannot sleep. My mind refuses to shut down… once it locks onto this subject, it never lets go. Too many times have I had my heart used as a voodoo doll. Too many times have I felt this sense of misplacement, of something being so right it must be wrong… too many times have I been here to believe it’s all okay.