Well, I have remained single since my last post. It's something that when asked I may say I love it, but deep down inside it's killing me. My family presses me joking around saying "when are you going to get a boyfriend already and stop dating those baseball players?". they might say they're joking around, but I know there is truth behind it. My mom now knows that it's nothing but purely sexual relations with those guys and she feels that it's unhealthy. I try to put myself out to being the "Samantha Jones" of my family (Sex & the City). I condemn relationships and how they never work out and that marriage is a waste of time and money. I pretend to be this fearless fierce woman. When in reality I'm scare shitless. I worry everyday about how I"m going to pay for college, I worry that I hardly have any friends and the ones I do are guys. I subconsciously am convinced that every guy I talk to is just trying to get into my pants and they're going to leave me once and if they do just like the baseball players do. After a few sessions I stopped seeing the counselor but those few sessions really helped me put things into perspective as to what I was feeling at the moment. Now I feel like I need to see another one or possible the same person again once the semester starts. It's a lot to talk about but I will try and write everything here. I have come to realize (as I have claimed in the past) that my mom's intentions are for the best. I know and understand what she feels and is talking about. I have come to conclusion that I will incessantly start working out (which I have the past few days, mostly running unknown to my mom's knowledge) and I have begun to take up smoking as well to help curb the hunger since I read in Star magazine that Sarah Jessica Parker now looks emaciated thanks to less eating and more smoking. I might have been bulimic before but now I think anorexia is more effective. That being said, I sometimes feel like I"m not thin enough or pretty enough because everyone around me in getting in a relationship. Most of the girls are skinny which shoots my self image to hell because I feel like I am not thin enough. My mom however, says that those girls are ugly and I can lose weight and look ten times better than them. What more can they do to improve? Although my heart wants to see the silver lining and believe her I can't help but shake the concern that improving my looks might bring more jerks who want to use my body then dump it on the side of the road like a piece of trash. She says "well then don't give it to them up front and see how they feel about you afterward". I know what she says is not only logical but pretty much common sense but for some reason I feel like the only way I can gain "approval" from males is through sexual contact. I have trouble with any display of affection as well. I realized this when I went on a date with a guy friend. He tried putting his arm around me and holding my hand but it felt weird as hell. It makes me want to cry so badly because I can't hug anyone without feeling awkward or uncomfortable. it feels as if they're not squeezing my boobs or have their hands in between my legs then it feels unnatural. that within and of itself is unnatural. I got the urge to cut myself again yesterday because I felt like shit. I was complaining that my mom got home late to take me to my Zumba class and she went off saying that she has to run around doing errands all day on top of working as opposed to me who stays home all day since the semester ended. I felt like shit. I felt like I don't have a job, I"m not going to summer school and I don't have a boyfriend. What worth do I have? What good am I doing for my family? That's where I think the baseball players come in. I feel like by doing them I'm making a worth of myself since if not all of them then most of them end up playing in the major leagues. It makes me feel like somebody, which is a pretty fucked up way of looking at it. I feel like if I'm not doing a guy then I'm not doing any good. Yeah they pay for me, but what would they get in return? That's where I think I need the counselor for. To help me regain my self worth, if I have any. Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I truly wished I were dead. I wanted to lock myself in the restroom and break the razors like I did a few months ago and slice away. I thought I had outgrown that part of my life and left it behind but I guess it's still there. I want to go to the doctor to get put back on Prozac or effexor or lexapro (which they are all really the same) but when I was on it I felt no change. I think I just need to get my thoughts straightened and everything figured out.I just wish the complications of a sex life didn't exist. I wish that things were much less physical and more emotional and personal. I'm a former tomboy, I hate tears and crying and expressing emotions. My mom tried to have a serious talk about my interpersonal relations in regards to a guy I really liked and I found that I couldn't even be serious about it. Which is something else I have realized. I told him how I felt about him, that I have cared about him a lot and as more than a friend since I met him 2 years ago and he basically ignored what I said and changed the subject. That I think hurts more than a rejection. Not acknowledging hurt like hell and I can attribute that incident to my further isolation. I feel like if I can't get someone who knows me practically inside and out to harbor any romantic feelings for me then why would a complete stranger do the same? Why would someone who's opinion goes no further than commenting on my appearance give a shit about the fact that I've written 3 novels? Or that I graduated with a 3.75 GPA and Salutatorian? Or that I am a huge muscle car fanatic? Why would anyone care that I am a closet poet who loved nothing more than a good cuddle some whispered sweet nothings on a cold rainy night? I feel like everytime I feel like shit I watch Girl, Interrupted to remind me that things are that bad yet. I feel like i need either a counselor or a good ear that won't judge me on my past and present. If I do start cutting myself again I would have to wear wristbands because since I'm going to start teaching a Zumba class I'm going to have to conceal any improper indiscretions. On the other hand I feel like I can't talk about my emotions unless I write about it. So I guess I can continue writing here. My journals are runnign out of pages and I havent the money to buy any more. Which is really getting me to start looking for a job. If I get the money to save I can buy more notebooks/journals to write in. That and I can save the money I need to buy a muscle car. I saw one they're selling at a dealership and I am deadset on owning it.  That's at least one thing for me to look forward to. Until then, I can only dream of driving down the highway in the middle of nowhere listening to Creedance Clearwater Revival, Norman Greenbaum and Jimi Hendrix,wishing I could go back in time to the era of the flower children and be with my soulmates, carefree lying in a green pasture.

1 Comment
  1. Tali_G87 13 years ago

    Thank you so much for writing, but funny you mention it that was exactly it! All of my ex boyfriends were guys who showed interest in me and I was lonely or bored and I thought what the hell, why not? I know what you mean about realizing how to love a person and I think I might have found the one to teach it to me. I actually like HIM for who he is and how he is, not just for the sex or how he treats me. I hope the same happens for you! 😀

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