What if they liked me for me?  

What if all those people from my past didn’t use and then reject me when I asked for more? 

What if… I stood up for myself instead of taking everything?

 

‘What ifs’ are the worst thoughts that I have floating around inside my overfilled mind.  They haunt me at night when I try to sleep.  And of course there are better what ifs than they ones I listed above.  Several that actually are more personal and job related.  To ask those aloud would probably be bad.  I already know the answers I would get from others… and I know that for how many times I’ve let all the possible outcomes, it doesn’t matter now.  I made my choice, and here I am. 

 

I think that I tend to remember the past too much and I let it cloud my judgment of new people entering my life who deserve a fair shot.  Does it make sense that I’ve been burned so many times through out my life that I just don’t know how I can trust another person?  Each time I try… I screw it up.  Just putting my hand out there is a mistake.  I always end up getting hurt. 

 

So my what if is the questions I stated above.  What if all the kids I went to school with would have just liked me for me because I was shy and quiet?  What if all the work I did to better other people also resulted in friendships and not just the condescending nickname of Sweetie that, to this day, still makes me cringe?  What if I had tougher skin and just did things for myself instead of trying so hard to be liked? 

 

The end result is that I question if I would still be the person I am today.  Would I be more willing to let people into my life if I had different people around me?  Would I be sitting in my parent’s house hiding out from the world if I had tried to be someone I’m not just to get through?

 

All of these questions still come out moot point.  I am me.  I am stuck here.  I am trapped inside my head with only my family to try to help me out.  And the problem I find with my family is that even when they help me, I still end up hurt in one way or another.  So if they hurt me, how can I even want to trust someone outside those who know me… or think they know me? 

 

What ifs don’t do anything more than keep me up at night…  and really, what keeps me up at night isn’t the what ifs as much as the history and paths I chose. 

1 Comment
  1. jana 14 years ago

    yes, the nights r always difficult for me too.  the never ending questions, the self doubt, the self-torture of what might happen to my family, or to me, and what would  happen if we didnt have each other. how i envy people who just lay down and go to sleep.  i tell the voices to just shut the fuck up, and then i cry myself to sleep

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