For the past couple days, I've been experiencing some pretty bad anxiety. Although today was the worst, due tomy stuffy nose (I freak out if I can't breathe in through my nose, thinking I can't breathe).
It all started in History today, when my teacher explained what it was like to be crucified (like he knew…?). Anyway, such a large talk of death threw me into a large panic attack for the rest of the day. During AP Chemistry we took a nice pop quiz at the end of the class in which I once again freaked out, thinking I was going to die. During Honors Precalc we had another test in which I freaked out but made it through by eating almonds coated with cinammon, which at least took my mind off of anxiety.
All today I've just been thinking… what is life? Why live, if in the end, we'll all die anyway? What's the point? And.. .what will it be like? What will dying be like? I'm afraid to die, Iadmit it. I feel uncomfortable thinking about death being my ultimate future. When I ignore that fact, I am a lot happier. However, I keep finding it hard to ignore. I try to tell myself that I can't possibly live a thousand lives before I die. I want to be a chemical engineer, teacher, music director, geologist, historian, all at the same time. But I keep telling myself that I cannot do all of that. My life must follow one path that I choose, and that upsets me. I feel like I have to be everything and everybody all at the same time, instead of just being me. But then, who am I, when all I try to be like is everyone else?
I'll tell you who I am.
-I'm a teenage girl with a low self-esteem.
-I tend to drive too fast, which makes my mom yell at me.
-I love Germany and wish nothing more than to visit that place.
-I love the German language more than the English language.
-I am unnaturally obsessed with The Big Bang Theory.
-I love videogames!
-I read books called the Malazan Books of the Fallen, which are books very few even know of. However, they are extremely great books and I would recommend them to anybody.
-I love chemistry. I may only have an A- in AP Chemistry, but a chemistry lab is somewhere I feel totally at home.
-I have the most amazing friends in the world.
-Even though I don't get much time to do so, I love drawing. Drawing takes away much of my anxiety, and I am very good at it.
There you go. That's who I am.