It's a good thing that I only write these for myself. If I had to listen (or read) myself repeating the same things every day, I would get sick and tired of it. I am sick and tired of just feeling it.
There is no sense to this, no meaning, no reason. This is not a part of some higher being's grand plan. This is what it is. And it sucks. I know a lot of people believe in God and that helps them through this. I think that's great for them. I wish I had that faith, but I do not.
There is no good reason why a good person should suffer. There is no reason why a benign God would let good people suffer. I have often heard that we cannot know the greater plan and purpose suffering serves, that our limited minds can only grasp what our limited brains can understand. Why then make us just smart enough to be able to feel the mental sting? Most animals (except the ones we domesticated, there's a lesson there) do not feel depression or anxiety. Why could we not have stayed at that level?
Just give me enough wisdom to feel the pain but not understand the reason. That seems like a cruel joke. Make me stupid, or make me as smart as you so I can understand.
No offense to all those who believe. You can always find goodness in all bad things – even atheists can do that – that's not evidence of a hidden plan. Prayers are always answered one way or another because SOMETHING has to happen, and when it does, we will find the silver lining and say that that was the lesson God intended for us to learn. I reject that. I have lived an honest life and have done more good than harm in this world. I deserve to have my requests and prayers answered in the way I want them answered, not in some painful there-is-a-lesson-in-there-somewhere way. Just take the pain away. Period. Take. It. Away. Or give me a reason to believe, because all evidence is to the contrary.