It's a good thing that I only write these for myself. If I had to listen (or read) myself repeating the same things every day, I would get sick and tired of it. I am sick and tired of just feeling it.

There is no sense to this, no meaning, no reason. This is not a part of some higher being's grand plan. This is what it is. And it sucks. I know a lot of people believe in God and that helps them through this. I think that's great for them. I wish I had that faith, but I do not.

There is no good reason why a good person should suffer. There is no reason why a benign God would let good people suffer. I have often heard that we cannot know the greater plan and purpose suffering serves, that our limited minds can only grasp what our limited brains can understand. Why then make us just smart enough to be able to feel the mental sting? Most animals (except the ones we domesticated, there's a lesson there) do not feel depression or anxiety. Why could we not have stayed at that level?

Just give me enough wisdom to feel the pain but not understand the reason. That seems like a cruel joke. Make me stupid, or make me as smart as you so I can understand.

No offense to all those who believe. You can always find goodness in all bad things – even atheists can do that – that's not evidence of a hidden plan. Prayers are always answered one way or another because SOMETHING has to happen, and when it does, we will find the silver lining and say that that was the lesson God intended for us to learn. I reject that. I have lived an honest life and have done more good than harm in this world. I deserve to have my requests and prayers answered in the way I want them answered, not in some painful there-is-a-lesson-in-there-somewhere way. Just take the pain away. Period. Take. It. Away. Or give me a reason to believe, because all evidence is to the contrary.

1 Comment
  1. thymeoperator 13 years ago

    i spent the first 17/18 years of my life having religion pounded into my head by my parents, and then realised it wasn't for me – half the time i wholly believe in god, the other half the time i think it could make sense that there is no god and we're all just here.  sometimes i need for there to be an afterlife, other times i feel more comforted by the idea that when we die that's it so we don't need to worry about it and we won't be around to miss anyone, etc.  the main thing i've decided in the last year though is that it actually is a lot less painful to just accept there's no reason for anything.  like, a friend of mine said something to me like 'theres a reason things happen, but things dont happen for a reason' which is like…yeah things happen because of the chain of events that lead to them, they become inevitible, but it's not like 'im suffering for divine reasons unknown to me' and it's not 'im living out my karma because ive done bad things' it's just…happening.  if i try to make sense out of all the cruelty in the world, i get so depressed and angry, but if i just accept that these things happen, no reason behind it, no one's letting them happen, they're just happening – i feel free.  does that make sense?  and in a way i even think maybe god does exist and there IS some divine plan for us – so maybe i'm wrong for this way of thinking, but it's just easier for me personally to not think about it, even if it's all true, simply because it prevents me from getting so angry and upset.

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