So, I went to school this morning and had to stand in the dreaded hallway as usual. Everyone was talking and I was saying nothing, as usual. I stand in that hallway twice a week and it makes me feel so self aware and anxious and nervous and alone.
It's like everyone else is so carefree and happy and together. I'm just … there. My therapist is thrilled that I've stuck it out this long, as I was sure I would have dropped out by now. I love learning and school. I'd love it more if all those people weren't there. I guess I'm happy, as it is an accomplishment, but going to school makes me feel ultra lonely and anxious. Half the time I feel like just standing outside the school and just staying there until it's time to leave or just going back home. Sometimes, I don't think the feelings I put myself through are really worth it, but I know they are. So, I guess that keeps me going. And I've been getting good marks despite the fact that my mind is always focusing on whatever is going on around me instead of what is being lectured on. I do talk to people, so it isn't horribly lonely going to class, but the feeling still remians. I can't help thinking I wasn't meant to have friends. Maybe, and my mom tells me this all the time, I look too sad and angry and people don't want to say anything to me. Maybe that's true, I don't know. Maybe I look like I'll bite their heads off if they talk to me. Wearing the black and boots and chains probably doesn't help either, but that's my style and I don't think I should have to change it for anyone or anything if I like it and it makes me comfortable.
Oh, well. Time will reveal all, I guess. I just have to Think Happy Thoughts and all will go well, I guess. Would help more if I had happy thoughts to think, huh?