I don't know where to begin. Besides OCD I am diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. When I first came down with schizophrenia I remember connecting my thoughts to others. I fell under the "so callled" delusion that people could "hear" my thoughts and influence my mind in a number of ways. Over time I became concerned that people might be misinterpreting my thoughts or taking them out of context. It has gotten worse over time. The first time it actually began to interfere with my life was when I was about 30. I became obsessed with the fact that I am not a child molester. I felt as if I had molested a child but had not. My fear that people would take these thoughts the wrong way feeded my paranoia. Instead of getting better as I predicted, it got worse. I had assumed that people would see past the nonsense to the real me but that never happened. Later on my OCD turned to the topic of murder. I began to feel that I was a murderer but wasn't. I evencame up with bits and pieces of a scenerio about this "non-existant murder" which made the whole thing seem even more real. At one point I felt so guilty for these things I'd ever done or would ever do that I felt suicide was MANDATORY. It simply wasn't realistic that I could go on feeling so much guilt for no reason. I felt like I was the worst person on Earth but couldn't tell you why. I feel like I've been traumatized and scorned and bitter. I am so angry and disapointed wtih the peope around me. I want to blame them but I really don't know who or what to blame. I just want to be like any other normal person. I am so sick and tired of dealing with this shit and arguing with nobody about nothing.

1 Comment
  1. her_ocd 11 years ago

    i get thoughts of this nature too often also. i somehow feel that people can read my mind, i sometimes feel that i provoke certain feelings in others and this causes me a lot of pain.  this is a situation were you cannot separate yourself and the irrational thoughts. they are one and i know how hard it is to convince yourself that they are not true or atleast not logical. medication can definetly help and support from others on this website is great. my page is here if you would like to talk or this website for support. take care.

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