I feel like my body is starting to come off in small parts. With every hour that I'm here, alive, I feel like my body, my whole self being, is getting weaker, and weaker, and at a rapid rate. My doctor put me on Luvox about 3 weeks ago, he started me on 100 mgs, then raise me up to 150, and then when I had a BAD breakdown last week, he had me come in this past Tuesday, and raise my dose again, to 200 mgs; he said that he didn't belive at all that my spiraling downward was the medication doing the reverse affect on me (like some meds like these do), he said that simply, …I needed more. He told me that in addition to my Luvox, that he wants me to also take Abilify, saying that for atleast RIGHT NOW, while I'm strapped in this hell hole, that this may be what I need to do, in order to get back on my feet agian…but I don't think thats going to work. I don't think anything is going to work…Eric and I are suffering, we argue pretty much everyday and I believe that it is time for us to split up, because what repeats in my head, is "we're not right for eachother anymore, we're fooling ourselves by TRYING to make it work, and its just a waste of both of out time and energy, by trying to stay together. Weekly, as things have been worse (either just with me, or with our relationship in general), I ask him, "Do you think we're going to make it, do you thnk we should be together, do you want to leave, why are you staying, and he always tells me that he IS STAYING, but WHY? WHY? If we are both always miserable, and always arguing, then WHY does he want to stay…ARE we always arguing? I don't know, its hard for me to tell if we are actually getting into fights everyday that are serious or if they;re more like bickerings that I take and blow out of proportion because of how f***** I am…I don;'t know anything anymore…I don't know and this morning I was thinking to myself…"what if i just dissapeared for a while?" Not necessarily die, but dissapear? I felt like I wanted to COMPLETLEY DISCONNECT myself from everyone in my life…every who is supposed to love me, but only lets me down in some way or another…EVERYONE, my mother, my father, my best friend who I talk to all the time (especaiily him), and Eric, my fiance…EVERYONE, even my shrink…what if I just dissapeared…I felt relief when I thought about that, I felt reliefe from removing myself from every single person who knows me or talks to me in my life and hiding somewhere…somewhere where no one can get to me or find me…I just want to get away from literally EVERYONE, even Eric. But what confused me about that is that I don't WANT Eric to go, I WANT him, I want him and I to get MARRIED ALREADY, have a house, be HAPPY, but it just feels like its never going to happen. Eric says that we're going through a rough time mainly because we;re still living with MY family, who is STILL ROYALLY screwed up after my parents separating for about a year now, with my two ass brothers living in this house with us, making it a dirty, messy, disgusting living environment, with my father who does nothing at all to repremand them for ANYTHING…on top of all this, my cat, Princess who I've loved and had for 14 years, is going to have to be put to sleep on Monday at 4:30…why? because of a lot of reasons, she's sick and she's not happy…guess who had to make that final call,. that final appointment? ME…this decision had to be made me soley ME, with NO support from my mother or anyone else in my family, just me….Today, I've been thinking over and over again, I wish that I can go with her…I wish that I can go with Princess, and be at peace. I just want to crawl under a rock somwhere and wait to die…my doctors can't seem to help me and ON TOP OF THAT, my BULLSHIT INSURANCE is going to stop covering my doctors visits for some reason, ( I don't know the technicalities, but my mother very willingliy filled me in), so this means that while it was hard ENOUGH to pay $40 a week out of my pocket, to see my therapist, now apparantly, the co-pay of $40 isn't enough for Aetna anymore…I can see no hope, and even if I was able to continue my therapist visits, what for? No one has been able to help me…I want to give up.