It seems lately everyone has accomplished something. For instance my husband got hired full time at the company he works for witch, do not get me wrong is such a blessing espeacially in these times, and his job is secure. My oldest daughter 22 Graduated from college, witch I am very proud. My son 20 is Graduating from the Air Force in June, and even my 14 year old is graduating 8th grade into High School with honors and is on the advanced team also very proud mom. All exciting stuff ( you would think) and I know I should be expressing all this but I am numb,have no patients for people,a friend of mine came by yesterday to use the computer she is going back to college in September and needed to put in her classes  She had said" hey you should take some of these with me" I could not commit could not do it.and hated that fact. It was early morning I figured she be in and out, but noo took advantage while on to do more than had asked and was here until after 2:30 pm, in the mean time I am fuming felt like I could not do what I wanted  and when I would, she would start up conversation that I was not into and felt like she was waisting time, no offence to her but I wanted her gone .I then got my daughter off the bus did what I needed to do with her , and she started her home work , so I went to bed and woke up to  A good friend of mine with similar problems came by  and even though she could understand, I just was not a good host and could not wait for her to leave, I could see how well she was doing and everything she was talking about is what I wanted and could not understand how she was doing it ,"I should be like that by know" I am saying to my self. I have been fantasing  the thoughts of me not being here ( I am not going to do anything) but just so tired of working hard on getting better that it takes up all my time, I find it hard to stay in the moment and feel useless, everyones life is going on and I have nothing to show. I just want a little break and feel part of something or successfully accomplish something. Being able to be ready to go to an event is not the BIG accomplishment to me like it is to my family. I want to snap my fingers and poof I am  where I want to be in life, back to work or more schooling what ever would give me the drive to feel like somebody, instead of getting an applause for being out of the house , how sad is that for a person? I am OCDing so excuse the long blog I make too many details instead of getting to the point. Is there ever going to be a time when I can mainstream back into society, life, family , friends as just a person not a mentally challanged mess. Do we ever get a break? Am I ever gonna feel as if I will be missed and getting people to not walk on eggshells around me,so lost in whom I am as a person. I have been like this for over twenty years, and a very accomplished woman. Then three years ago was brutally attacked and raped and sent me into Post Tramatic Stress Disorder and all my other ailments flared up to a deep dark place of depression,panick attacks, manic episodes,OCD BiPolar have worked through all that (yes I know thats a great accomplishment) but now that I have the tools and use them almost instincly with out thinking just is not enough I still do not have any clue to my desires and there has to be more than just this in life. I must be here for some reason, but do not know why I am useless.  Brenda.

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    Brenda,

    Our imaginations are our worst enemy.  What has already been accomplished, now has a rosy colored glow.–Better than maybe it actually was.  The brave fight going on now is dismissed as insignificant; but interfering with your real life.  If you are as sturdy as you proclaim, others will realize it. If your  previous conditions are out in full force, that will be perceived, also.

    I couldn't tell if it was worse because others were succeeding in more tangible ways, and you bravery at facing each day paled into insignificance by comparison (in your eyes).

    You do seem to be at war with yourself.

    I think the friend who was using your computer caught you in a bad emotional place and it got progressively worse  for you.

    You often can help sort your mixed emotion by keeping a journal and writing about them.

    I was talking to a friend on here this morning who was looking back through her journal and by doing so, she realized how far she has come in her journay

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  2. Brenda_Lee_F 10 years ago

     Thank you for your kind words. Brenda ♥

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