I don't know what to do anymore. My medication is not doing a thing AGAIN. I am late on my period, yet my pregnancy tests are all negative. I'm having cramps now, but they're not really severe and I just feel like crying, which is usually my whole PMS routine, but this has happened a couple of times in the last 2-3 weeks. Everyone's gonna be like "Go to the gynocologist!" Or "Go to the doctor" but ya know what? I'm TIRED of doctors. I'm tired of medication. I'm tired of this roller coaster ride that I've been on for years and years. I'm tired of this house where my father just mopes around and lays around and sleeps sleeps sleeps and when we try to get him to wake up for ANY reason he screams and yells at us like we're doing something wrong. I've gotten his energy pills filled, his pain pills filled, and WHY? So he can mope around and lay around and do NOTHING all day but SLEEP? Even when I get him up to help me pay bills he sits up for 20 minutes and that's IT! Why am I here? What is my point in life? Really? Why do I even try anymore? I'm trying to get my student loan consolidated so I can go back to school and there's just no progress being made. I'm making money every way I know how and still looking for work, but nothing.

WHY do I bother? REALLY? I try to have fun every chance I get, but it never lasts. I try to do good for people and hope that I make a difference in someone's life, that I'll be remembered for at least that and I can't even do that right. NOTHING is making me happy anymore. NOTHING. I know that, even going out with friends I'll have fun, but by the end of the night I'm gonna be miserable and alone again. My husband is coming back home Wednesday and I'm just like WHY? So I can mope around the house some more?? I WISH SOMETHING, SOMEONE WOULD JUST GIVE ME A PURPOSE IN LIFE. PLEASE. SOMETHING OTHER than trying to make everyone else happy. How do I MAKE ME happy? What is my goal? What is the end-all-be-all of my life that will give me something to shoot for?! I'm 31 years old and I don't feel like I've accomplished a damn thing!

Again, I sit at my keyboard and just babble and cry alone. I cry my eyes out for my own self-pity, my own misery, my own dead end of a life… Still living out of a bedroom at my parents' house. And I don't feel like I'm even helping them out at all. Fuck this world, fuck this life and fuck ME for being so fucking PATHETIC.

Fuck it all.