theres4 things at once. They might seem exaggerated but that's exactly how i feel and i can't get out and it's horrible.

I can't even explain this feeling but more and more, (and i know it's because of being on my own all the time).. i get this horrible feeling where it's like because my brain has absolutely nothing to think about anymore it goes inward on me instead of outward into the worldand gives me a horrible feeling of just.. the only way i can describe it is like being physically ill but mentally. You feel poorly but in your mind and it's not just the feelings that it gives you. Because you have nothing to do with your life/ self, it warps itself and just.. i don't even know how to explain but it's like the worst that loneliness can ever get i think. It's way beyond the point of emotion and feeling and even intelligence. It's like your brains attackingyou. I feel starved of unconditional love. Maybe it would help me mentally if i got a pet since i can't get a human.

I'm also just living in my mind rather than the real world and can't get out. I'm more in my mind than life. I think all of my real personalities can only live in my mind since i can only make friends in my mind. I can only learn from circumstances i imagine and live in, in my mind too since i can't get into the 'real life' social world. It's so frustrating because i'm not really a lazy person. i want to do so much and i care so much but it's that i'm scared and i really just don't understand the way people treat me because i have no real social experience to relate it to.

Sometimes you get on with people so well/ perfectly but it's still massively akward and i don't know why. You both try your hardest to bond and relaxbut for some reason it won't work and it's like forcing two same poles of a magnet together and you just feel pushed in to yourself/ negative. This happens with friends i try to make. But it's frustrating because you mightadore eachother so much but maybe it's that your going in opposite directions. This normally happens when i try to make friends with females but not males.

Also, it's like my body clock has entered the process of dying. That's what it feels like and has done since 16really but more so now. My skin is ageing and so is my memory and fitness. I think scientifically at 20, the bodies cells enter the process of ageing and dying. I've had a fear of ageing since i was young because i was never 'in' life. I have never been able to actually get in it yet and it's like i'm ageging, growing up, getting old and dying right infront of my own eyes without even being able to live in my body yet before i even know how to make friends and it's just really sad and it's more stuff that my brain can't take. I wish i could help others like this. I'm terrified of ageing! I've been anxious about this since i was small though.