Its been a long tiring day, full of mixed emotions, confussion, anger, disappointment, broken promises. I just simply feel like I'm never ever going to really live again, even D. has said to me get a job, it broke me, I'm so sick of everyone's promises and there judgements, lack of compassion and the fact there getting from me fullfillment that they need, support as per needed, when D. lost his job I was compassionate, I didn't and haven't said get a job ! I've tried to be supportive and loving but I'm slowly tired of his lack of attentiveness where I'm concerned, his lack of interest except when he decides he's in need. I feel no connection, except from time to time, I call it his disconnect factor, he's certainlylimited and unable to meet my needs emotionally, he see's us together in the future but honestly I need more, so much more than he's been able to provide emotionally, therefore I'm going to be in the moment as much as possible.

Maybe I will never be with another man that will truly love me, as my youth slips away, I long for something tangable to hold onto. I had my sorrow sitting here alone season after season,broken,now I have my sorrow along with fun times mixed with the reality nothings really changed for me, I'm still stuck in the dungeon, no job, no car, well you no the story, along with someone elses promises of help which are unkept, as I do everything I can to please there needs, mine are not meet.

Why are people so cold, so unable to love, to connect, to be compassionate, to treat each other well? I feel as though my fate is to live in deep longing forever.

Its sad I miss what never was, never will be, and simply isn't………..true love, life…..

1 Comment
  1. flowermantis 9 years ago

    hi Di.Sorry to hear you are feeling down.I really hope i did not hurt your feelings with my previous comment to you,i just said what i thought coz i really dont want a sensitive caring type like you to get hurt.if you were offended by my thoughts ,please accept my sincere apologies,the last thing i want to do is upset you in anyway.But for love,well,im 45 and know what its like to feel you are not the fiesty young thing we used to be,BUT,I cant and wont let age beat me as other things in life have beat me.Love is divine right we have ,and age wont bar a real love ,anywhere or anyone.So dont despair about love,you deserve love ,I deserve it,we all do and its there for us,somewhere,some how.Anyway,take care of yourself and you get a job when you are ready,i was unemployed for years,and everyone used to say"you could get one if you tried,your just not trying hard enough"Huh!! they offended me a lot with thses words,and thses were ppl who were close to me,as well as others not close.But i found one,well it sort of found me and 7 yrs on im still there,its hard to keep working full time when i feel like dying but the thing is,after years I got a job,a good job.Im not saying it will take years for you,Im just saying when you feel ready,pick up the job hunt again ( as i know you were looking very hard for a job as you said in one of your blogs) and a good job will find you,all in good time Di.

    Hope tomorrow is a great day for you,

    flowermantis.

     

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