I've always pretty much measured my wellness by my circumstances. I always figured, all things considered, I have adjusted OK. Well this just isn't good enough anymore, this world which I am trying to be a part of demands perfection, it is not OK to be just OK enough, and if I am not worthy of this, I am not OK with that so that's not OK enough.

I've never understood what it meant to be "well-adjusted". To me every time I have encountered that term all I heard was "happy life". How can someone be considered adjusted if there was never any difficulty in becoming that way?

One might say this just means I need to try harder to overcome these things just to maintain an equal footing. I don't know. The world is patient but not infinitely. I am so limited in my ability to move on from things. The first real issue I have had was with my father and addiction, and this is an issue which will never be cleared up for me. This is it. I have learned to cope, to accept things the way they are, even when they are definitely not OK. I suppose I must have pushed it all down into my stomach, what else could I have done with it? And what else have I collected down there by now?

I recently became an orphan all of a sudden, as well. No one was expecting. My mother was recovering but then she started to get worse. Finally someone had the bright idea that I should come talk to her, she would listen to me. It took so much persuasion to get her into that car and to the hospital, but I prevailed. She listened to me, her trusted son, and took my advice. And she fucking died. She should have lived but I talked her into going to the place where people die. Then people actually wonder why I have intimacy issues.

Once my heart stops breaking every time I think her name, that's when it will be OK to call her. It is almost magic the way people know when you lost interest in them. It has to be genuine, though. If they sense you respect them even a little bit they never respond


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