So this would be my first entry. I’ve had a really hard to getting to the point of blogging, but today I’ve been really….well….just not…not happy I guess. I can’t really explain what I’m not or what I am right now.  I got married in october and moved 4 hours away from anything I know and 7 hours away from where I grew up last June. I’ve had no friends or family…since June. My inlaws are great, but we didn’t get to see each other much when my husband and I were dating so we dont have that close of a relationship.  I’m 3 1/2 years younger than he is and all of his friends are his age or older and they ALL went to school together… I’m the baby outcast. 

This weekend my husband and his friends are at the race in Talladega which I’m not allowed to go to….which is fine b/c i agree with the reason. I’m not a fan of old drunk rednecks asking to see my boobs.  Going to the race would be nice though.  But anyway….I’m home alone in a crap old house that I hate b/c NO one helps me clean….like seriously clean. And my cousin in law is ALWAYS here and uses eveything and never cleans up after himself unless I bitch and moan at my husband and then he tries to be the good guy.  And my husband lets him stay over and use EVERYTHING bc he says his cousin is nice enough to watch our dog for us when we arent home and he fizes stuff for him…well we buy him food and alcohol also!  Well where I grew up, you do that for family just does that kind of stuff out of kindness and dont need to be repaid….especially by living in our house and running up the electric bills and water bills and food bills.  The cousin usually lives at my inlaws for FREE! so idk why he is always over here. Yes sometimes it’s nice and he can be fun when he isnt drunk or trying to look cool…but that’s rare.

So my problem today is that I found out recently that my best friend since middle school (who doesnt really act like my best friend anymore anyway…and i only get to see like once ever 6months when i go visit HER) is moving in a couple weeks to Cali….like…a 6 hour FLIGHT away.  Uggg….and I never see any of my friends anymore…I miss my family. I’m an only child and i’m really close to my parents….but not im like 7 hours away and I’ve seen them once since thanksgiving.  All of my friends have their own lives now.  I’m just not me anymore. I’ve gained all kinds of weight. Up until about 8 months ago, I was NEVER about 120….and now I’m close to 140…and for a very very short girl, I’m not a fan. I work non profit so I’m basically broke and i make more than my husband. He doesnt see the need to save money and I’m trying desperately, but then i try to reward myself with anything at all (whether it’s food or alcohol…usually alcohol) to make myself feel better. Anyway…so basically my clothes dont fit me anymore but i can afford to buy more. So it’s becoming summer and all i have are sweaters. I

I’m just very unhappy today. Like to the point i just dont want to be around people and I just think….i wish I werent alive….but i would never think about the S word.  Like i feel there is no point to live.  Like i find myself wishing someone would run a redlight while i’m going through….or wishing someone would rob the store i am and start firing.  But honestly i would never even consider the S word. And then i think to myself…i can’t leave my parents.  It would kill them and i dont want to do that to them. Especially my dad…he’s gone through depressions since my senior year of high school. I dont want to cause anymore pain. I know my being gone and losing his best friend (our puppy of 13 years) has been too much already.  I

I just want to feel like myself again. I used to be fun. I used to be bubbly. I used to be the girlfriend that everyone wished they had b/c I wasnt a nagging bitch or stubborn. But i’ve turned into that….. I’ve lost all sexual desire, which doesnt please my husband and he just doesnt know why im that way. i cant tell him. I keep wondering he will take it the wrong way or it will piss him off. I know it’s not but i cant help it. i just revert back to when I get colds or something and he pulls the "you like your mom…a hypocondriak(sp)…if you dont think you’re sick you wont be"….i keep thinking I’ll hear the stereotypical "snap out of it". I used to think it was dumb when people said they couldnt talk about depression and i just wanted them to go get help…but now i’m that person. i hate being the hypocrite….i’m usually not. I just need help and i dont know how to do it. I just want to go through getting help on my own, but there is no possible way to do it..


Any advice?



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