Hello,

It has been a while since Ive had time to put my thoughts down in my blog lately. I use to come here so I could speak my mind freely and get responses from people who would want to inner act with me. Now i find myself coming to write here when I am going thru a tough time or when I need to vent. I use this website as a kind of diary sometimes. Because I feel as if my thoughts are safer here with the random individuals.

My blog today is how do you find the right thing to do. I am currently 27 and next year I will be 28. I sort of jumped into a relationship recently and at the time I thought it was something i could live with. But the long I am with this man the more i question if I am meant to be in a relationship. I realize the damaging cycle i have going on in my life. I feel like I keep putting myself in position that hurt me and the other person. I change my mind once something changes. Moral of the story is I crave love but hate when it comes to love others when they are difficult. Maybe I’ll go into detail in the next entry what happened between me and this guy I gave a chance.

At the times when I second guessed if this is the right thing to do for myself I found myself asking “How did i get here again?” A man, A man that drinks, a jobless man, a kidless man, a man with no ambition, a man who disrespects me and mostly a man who hardly understands me. I am angry because I cant exactly turn around and change my mind. But he had a few things in his phone that made me realize this isn’t my person, he doesn’t want me the way I thought he did. Now im two states away from him writing this blog about him because I want to leave him. I want to run. Not because im afraid of love but because this isnt the love i am searching for. He knows this. I have asked him over and over again what he sees in the future for us or even himself. He is stuck. I cant help him get unstuck. He has to want it for himself.

So i ask my self “HOW DID I GET HERE AGAIN?” jobless, hopeless, anxiety, depression and hate. I’ll figure something out obviously.. however I wish i wasnt this person. the person whos emotions can switch so quickly depending on how the person treats me, how that person acts, and how passionate that person is.

After we moved in together all he wants is my body. he use to make me laugh and feel safe. But the last time I spoke my mind he tried to hurt himself and now I am afraid. because I know the signs. Ive seen how crazy some people can be. What if he hurts me? I can’t help but let that thought sit in my head right now. I am so close to graduating. I worked my ass off to be where I am. I cant let someone who is helpless and hopeless hold me back. but I had already promised to be with him. I know i am able to change my mind and i am in control. but….. but….. I deserve to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be proud.

So for now I am venting here so I can atleast get some of this anger or frustration out. I dont know how much peace this will give me but.. I have to put it somewhere. Thank you for reading my rant.