[LONG POST AHEAD, BUT PLEASE READ SINCE I NEED YOUR ADVICE and HELP]

LAST YEAR 2020

Hi. Im a 16 year old girl. I did not really have a happy childhood. My mom was addicted to drugs and my dad … i dont even want to talk about him. I grew up with my grandparents whom i love as well as my 2 siblings. ever since I was 13, I have always thought that I have anxiety. Anxiety for me before was just over thinking things and being nervous when a big event comes. Not until last year on the night of june 12 2020, I experienced my very first panic attack. It all started with an intrusive thought of scratching my younger sister, until that thought developed into something worse. images of harming my family came in my mind. I felt horrified and felt as if I was going crazy. I cannot sleep because of it but i forced myself to close my eyes and i convinced myself that this horrifying feeling will be forgotten tomorrow. when morning came nothing changed, i was still in panic and very anxious because of the thoughts I had. I feel so guilty and feel like i was a monster. I reflected on my past behaviors and realized that I was so violent when i was a child which made me more anxious.

I opened my phone and searched google about my experience, it is said that its Harm ocd. When i looked up the symptoms of harm ocd it fitted perfectly.  Ever since that night my life changed. i  silently cry in the bathroom because i feel so guilty, and i unknowingly do my compulsions which is searching videos and reading posts regarding harm ocd. there is not a day where panic attacks and intrusive thoughts visit me. I felt so depressed.

one time, when my grandmother noticed that i did not have an appetite to eat, she brought me to a doctor and asked for a vitamin. that moment i planned to ask the doctor about ocd and so I asked her, “doc, do you know what ocd is?” unfortunately, she doesn’t know what it is. she asked the nurse about it and i told her that i think i have one. to my surprise, i did not get any help at all, they ignored what i asked and the doctor gave me vitamins.  when i arrived home my grandma confronted me about what i asked to the doctor, i broke down and cried so hard and i told her that many violent thoughts are bugging me, i did not tell her what the content of the thoughts are.  she comforted me and told me that i should not dwell on the thoughts. my grandparents told me that i well get through it. they did not really understand what ocd was and i completely understand.

I told my aunt, which is in America about my situation. I told her that i have ocd. she told me that I might have depression. she asked me to go to a doctor. the doctor that checked me up told me that i should go to a psychiatrist, but the situation last year was hard since it was the rise of covid-19 pandemic. he just gave me a tablet which supposed to calm me for seven days but its not effective.  My aunt told me that i should go to a doctor (not a psychiatrist) in the bigger city. i told her that i will when covid stops.

[FAST FORWARD TODAY.] 

its been a year since my first panic attack. my intrusive thoughts developed. today I am suffering from an intrusive thought that I might be schizophrenic since on what I researched, they say schizophrenia is linked to ocd.  I also have this intrusive thought of being a psychopath or cannibal. Nothing really changed, hence it was worse. Im still anxious and depressed of the thought of losing my mind. I am anxious about everything, even the small details. Im scared that i might be hallucinating. i became so sensitive of sound. i became irritable, and the fear of snapping out and harming my loved ones still scares me.  I cant watch gruesome true story scenes or videos since i will stay awake at night unable to sleep. I have also realized that all along i have this ocd, i always thought that i might have cancer and searched symptoms of illnesses in google.  as I was typing this, I am crying. I wanted to tell someone about what im feeling but I cant say it to anyone. that is why i am here in this community.  I am the eldest in the family, i want to finish my studies and support my siblings since i served as a mother and father to them. there are times where i wanted to give up but i cant since my family is waiting for me to succeed and my siblings surely needs me. I wish my illness was physical since mental health issues here in the Philippines are stigmatized. Please give me any advice it would be great since no one gave me one before.