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I have been struggling with my health for a while now and have been trying to get that under control… unfortunately so many things in my life are going on that my health has declined further… I feel like I have not gotten any help and emotional support from anyone especially my boyfriend. For months and maybe even years I have been asking him to give me some time and space because the last 3 years have just been on tragedy after another. He has wanted to stick by me but by doing this he has become… I don’t even know what word describes it. He has alot of personal issues he’s had to deal with and work on but hasn’t. So now he’s just gotten to the point where we have grown so far apart that we are just existing together. I have given him several chances to try and work on his own stuff and he hasn’t. He hasn’t worked since last year and now has absolutely no income coming in at all which makes matters even worse. I asked him to have a job before the holidays or he would have to leave. Well I guess he figured I was just gonna be passive like I’ve been up until now… I have asked him to leave because him being here is just causing me more grief than anything. We fight all the time and I’m just over it. Yet even though I feel this is the right thing to do I can’t help but be extremely sad. I will miss his. I have gotten used to him being there. I have so much regret and wish that things could have been different. He has been the first person in my life that has cared about me enough to show interest in the things I do and just show some actually feelings of love towards me. Unfortunately, love is not enough. If there are no actions behind it there is nothing. We have not had an intimate relationship in a long time. I dont just mean in the bedroom… in every aspect of a relationship. He said he loves me and that there is no place he’s rather be. If that is the case then why has he allowed himself to get to a place where he has shit me out completely. It makes no sense. I lived in a lifeless marriage for 13 years and he knows this. I will not do this to myself again. I feel some days that I have made a hasty decision but deep in my heart I know this is the right thing to do. I just cant help but feel so shitty. I am at fault for alot of things… I can’t deny that. From the beginning I told him it would be very hard for me to be in a relationship because I’m just an emotional mess with so many trust issues. He said it was fine and we could work and build on it. But we haven’t. Being with him has made me so miserable. He is a really nice guy but just isn’t for me. I don’t really think anyone is really… I am not in a position to where I can give myself and my heart to anyone. I feel incapable of loving anyone fully or uncontionally. I need to take time to find and love myself. In the words of RuPaul ” If you can’t love yourself… how you gonna love anyone else?” I absolutely agree. I ask 41 years old and have not taken the time to be alone and actually feel comfortable with being alone. Thats veen my problem. Jumping from on thing to another and not allowing myself to breath. The pain in my heart is just so strong and so much doubt about my decision. I know it is the right thing to do. It just hurts like hell. I feel selfish and just plain fucking sad. I hope time shows me that I am doing the right thing. I am just so torn. He was given so much time to do something to work on this relationship and hasn’t. I then gave up too… I just need strength to carry me through this… I have taken to my bed most days and just don’t want to deal with anything. I’m in my pajamas all day every day and rarely leave the house. This is no way to live. I hope I can get my health somewhat on track soon because that’s not helping me either. The medications I’ve had to start taking recently are not helping… I feel so lost… 😢😢😢😢😢😢

 

Depeche Mode

“Love, In Itself”

All of these insurmountable tasks
That lay before me
All of the firsts
And the definite lasts
That lay in store for me

There was a time
When all on my mind was love
Now I find
That most of the time
Love’s not enough
In itself

Consequently
I’ve a tendency
To be unhappy, you see
The thoughts in my head
All the words that were said
All the blues and the reds
Get to me

All of the absurdities
That lay before us
All of the doubts
And the uncertainties
That lay in store for us

Depeche Mode
“Secret To The End”

Oh when I look at you
I’m probably the same way too
I got a feeling that it’s coming soon
Could this be the end

When I look around this room
There must be something I can do
Can I convince you that it isn’t true
We’ve come to the end

Oh did I disappoint you
I wanted to believe it’s true
Oh the book of love was not enough
To see us through
The problem
Should have been you (Should have been you)
Should have been you (Could have been you)
Should have been you (Would have been you)
(Should have been you, Would have been you)
If it hadn’t been me
(Would have been you, Could have been you)
Should have been you (Should have been you)
Should have been you (Would have been you)
(Should have been you)
If it hadn’t been me

It seems so obvious to you
You’re feeling what I am feeling too
The final chapter in the contract expires soon
We’ve come to the end

Thank God I’m not the same as you
You always know exactly what to do
It’s who I am, is not for you
We’ve come to the end

Oh did I disappoint you
I wanted to believe it’s true
Oh the book of love was not enough
To see us through
The problem
Should have been you (Should have been you)
Should have been you (Could have been you)
Should have been you (Would have been you)
(Should have been you, Could have been you)
If it hadn’t been me
(Would have been you, Could have been you)
Should have been you (Should have been you)
Should have been you (Would have been you)
(Should have been you)
If it hadn’t been me

(Could have been you, Should have been you, Could have been you)
Would have been you (Would have been you)
Should have been you (Could have been you, Should have been you, Could have been you)
If it hadn’t been me (Would have been you, Could have been you, Would have been you)
If it hadn’t been me (Would have been you, Would have been you, Should have been you)
If it hadn’t been me (Should have been you, Could have been you, Should have been you)
If it hadn’t been me (Could have been you, Could have been you, Could have been you)
If it hadn’t been me

 

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