I'm sorry to complain about my life again but I can't help it. I'm seeing my therapist every week on Fridays and he has helped me but if my envrinment sucks, then how am I supposed to feel better? I can't find work, my husband STILL can't find work, I'm getting doors slammed in my face EVERYWHERE I TURN, nothing is working out! How in the hell is someone supposed to keep going when YEARS go by of this same bullshit!? No wonder I'm relapsing.
I'm not sure if this is OCD or not, but this is an odd story and I want you to hear it. My life seemed perfect about 6 years ago. I was finishing up undergrad, my family was together and healthy, I had just met my husband who was finishing up his masters, and we were all SO HAPPY…then a few months go by, my mom leaves and move in with her boyfriend…my life is never the same again. Iam never the same again. My brothers take a nose dive in their mental health and have both been in their rooms wasting their lives since, my dad is emotionally absent, Eric gets out of his school, I get out of mine with a BFA…AND the hell begins. 6 LONG years of hell, with some spurts of releif in between.
My family is ruined, Eric and I have downgraded from a house to a basement at his parents, and both of us are fighting severe depression while trying to pick ourselves up and re-start our lives. He said something the other day that freaked me out…he said something like, "After being drained out and beaten up so many times, how am I supposed to keep going or trying?"
We're both trying, but nothing is working…and 2015 is about to be over. WTF went wrong! Where did this all fall apart along the way? What does GOD want me to do? I don't want to be the couple who everyone in the family feels sorry for, the couple that is too poor to have children or experience happiness….6 years of a living hell. And I don't want to live through another 6 yeras of hell. I just want to be happy, I want my life to finally MAKE SENSE.
I pray to God all the time. Every day, pleading for him to let Eric and I be happy again. But what if he's making our lives miserable so that we don't stay together? That is my new and strong thought and I don't know if it is reality or a monster that my head created to torture me.
I don't think God is doing this on purpose for any reason; I think you are having a long string of incredibly bad luck, and I'm sorry you are both struggling so much. The one piece of advice I can give you is try not to worry whether the family feels sorry for you, especially if they are willing to help (with minimal or no strings attached, that is). Hang in there with your therapy, it may finally allow you to feel enough better to find a way out. That's the trouble with depression and anxiety, you may be doing everything you can right now, but when you finally start to feel better, you might see more opportunities. Have you been able to get out of the house any more? I remember that feeling trapped inside was part of the problem.
I totally understand and so don't want you to feel so discouraged. I went through very difficult times they happen to many people I had very difficult growing up and ended up running away and living on the streets it was extremely difficult especially being a girl out there. Then i got my act together was renting a huge house very inexpensive not the best but still i worked and things were ok though i was lonely bad marriage but too busy to worry about it. Then i went through depression, prayed alot a year later decided to start a family and having a baby was so great for me but husband not into it. So basically it was good when my kids were little cause all the energy was put into them by me but things weren't great because life is with problems. Yes many years can be so difficult hang in there though cause life changes in many ways. Do you have to be in the basement, is it cold or dark thats depressing. Don't worry about what other people in the family think you don't have to impress them, it they are nice then they want good for you if they are unkind their opinion doesn't matter. Would it be better living upstairs? Would the parents be ok with that? Can you work for a temp agency holidays people are needed. My friend was on the streets living in a car and he was able to get on track but believe me it was a nightmare but he did it there are successes and I don't see why you guys won't work your way out of this it can happen just concentrate on small things small changes. Don't look at everything cause its overwhelming. Of course its normal to ask God why.
God is not punishing you or making it so you two will not be together. In the storm cling to Him. I know its easier said than done but really find yourself in meaningful well thought out prayer..something I myself need to begin doing again. I know that praying does not always ease anxiety and that we want God to take all of our worries and this horrible monster OCD and make them go away but I have to believe we were chosen to walk this path for a reason…I am not sure what that is yet but I believe there is a reason. Do you have a church family ? I know I do but have struggled to go because I became a total recluse and getting out of that habit is hard. But when I am there…I feel God and I see people and I feel their love. I am lucky that my church is a very beautiful place fulll of wonderful people. It helps to know that that place is waiting for me and that that peace I find there is real. I am not sure if that's the route for you and if not , perhaps a regularly scheduled activity you enjoy with your husband and some friends , like hiking or a card night , just something to bring joy back into your life and get you around folks and not feeling so closed up in that basement. I also just adopted coloring…I thought it was silly at first but it really is calming. Crayons and coloring books are cheap !
God be with you and may you be blessed ,
Erin