I am not sure how I made it through work today. I have been feeling very down for a few days now and I a very bad anxiety attack today.
I listened to my voice mails at lunch. One was from the head of mental health unit in my town. I have been talking with him about my interest in setting up an OCD support group. His message said that he had talked to my therapist and my therapist feels that I am not yet at the stage of my treatment where I would be ready to make such a committment. The thoughts instantly started flooding through me. "See, he thinks you are crazy." "You are useless." I started crying and had to phone my brother in law.
I also brought my dog in to class today. I am using him two times a month as a form of pet therapy and to work with one of my students. I was playing with him and for some reason I was flooded with memories of 8 years ago when I was mean to my other dog. My brain wouldn's top. I thought about that, about the statement in IMP of the mind, about my new violent thought and how they could possibly be all connected and I am actually a violent person. Then I thought about losing my daughter and going to jail. I started crying again.
I don't know if I should even go to work anymore. Lately I have been looking at so many license plates I've almost been getting into accidents. I love my job and my kids, but if everyday is going to be like this I can't do it. When I got home today, I opened the door and my wife was ther holding our daugher. I started crying.
The holidays were so good. I had these thoughts too, but this feeling of sadness, fear, and anxiey was not there. I don't understand. Why?
During my crying spells today I was even having the I don't want to be here anymore thoughts. And I feel like crying again.