As I sit here on Sunday evening comtemplating all the good and bad things I have done in my life. There are a number of people I needto make ammends to. Hopefully I will get the chance before my life comes to and end. My life has mostly been a good journey with laughter and sadness along the way. For quite a long time after I became positive I didn't really care for myself or other people. I was surely on a destructive path.
I was close to dying I think when I met and married my wife. She gave me a reason to want to live and start taking care of myself again. So I slowly started eating better,putting on some weight. Started seeing a doctor and taking meds and was on a road to recovery. At that time I was not close to my family at all. I was living in Florida with my wife and my family was here in North Carolina.
She wanted to make a trip to see them which I was not really interested in doing. She won out and I gave in to make the trip. I guess it had been a couple years since I had seen my family but did talk on the phone now and then. Needless to say my wife bridged the gap between my family and myself. I have to say I did looked a lot better when we met. That was back in 99 or 2000 I think.
Since then my marriage came to an end and I moved back to North Carolina. I struggled for a while to find myself again after my marriage ended. I went off meds again and stopped seeing doctors. When a person is in a tailspin and kind of loses hope and sense of direction and purpose in life,it's hard to find your way back. I did find my way back with the help of family and friends. It was not a journey without a price tho.
My body was paying the price for my stubborness of not taking meds and seeing a specialist or family doctor. I guess I was thinking about all the wrong I had done to various people and not being able to make ammends. I was told to take care of me first and worry about the rest later. That's not how my heart and brain wanted to work at that time. It was important for me to start apologizing and making ammends first.
That was what I started doing then seeing a doctor and getting back on meds. It was a long journey getting to where I am in my life now. I am finally the man I knew I could and wanted to be. By no means am I perfect I assure you. I still faulter at things daily and that's ok. I have no plans to marry again. I just don't want to take the responsibility of someone else's life like that. So for the last few years I have been taking care of other people. On 2/14.2013 my baby sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I took care of her for 7 months and she passed away here in my home. I was also and still am taking care of my mother.
In my 25 years of being positive and healthy again I guess I have found my calling. Which is helping people and taking care of them if they need it. My cd4 is 610 and viral is undectable. My body had taken a beating from the meds over the years. I am not the most handsome man on the net BUT I have a heart of gold and a Great sense of humor. I have great family and friends and that's enough for me for now.