I don't think I believe in love anymore.  Everything hurts.  I feel like I could explode and die and I would be okay with it.  I am just done.  I am not a strong woman.  I am just not. And I don't want to be.  I want to be with my boyfriend.  I don't even know what I want. "Break up" such ugly words.  Break.  I cant break anymore.  I seriously cant.  I will never be able to pick up all the pieces.  I obsess.  i can never let go of anything.  and it is going to be the death of me.  i am falling apart.  i thought about cutting tonight.  i didnt do it.  but i just dont know what to do. and i dont have anyone.  i am not cutting because i dont want to scare my boyfriend away even more.   i dont even have my mom because she is all with kels right now cuz kels is having her baby tomorrow.  am i that selfish? would you even believe i am 21 years old? i still need my mom.  everything is just falling down on me.  this is why i wouldnt date henry at first.  because i knew we would get close. i knew it would get serious. and i didnt know if i was ready for it.  i didnt know if i could handle the heartbreak. i cant be sick anymore.  i cant do it.  my body is giving up.  my head is giving up.  and so is my heart.  i am never going to get better and positive thinking just doesnt help.  and why the hell would i want to get better if i am losing everything that means anything to me while i am sick?