Its been awhile since ive blogged…. or even been on here for that matter. For the most part I was doing good….. Or at least thats what I tell myself daily. Anyhow, tonight my heart was shattered….. utterly shattered. I realized tonight that I am completely alone in my fear, COMPLETELY. I laid down for the night and fell asleep. An hour later I woke up abruptly like usual springing out of bed in full panic mode, waking my husband up along the way telling him I dont feel good and asking him to please wake up. He always gets upset at me because I wake him from sleep but as long as hes talking then at least I know im still here, still in reality. Its nevertheless a voice to communicate with and hopefully distract myself from the sheer terror I feel at the moment. Tonight was different, I was so terrified, I was crying violently begging him to please help me because I was scared. He started asking me what the fuck I was scared of  ” was I afraid I was dying?” I answered  yes I was and he started telling me I was dying and he was done and telling me to fuck off………. 🙁 I ended up running outside because I felt like I was choking with fear. I finally got ahold of myself and came back inside and sat alone with my dogs on the couch just crying uncontrollably. 18 years……. Ive been with my husband for 18 years and tonight I realized that hes in this for better but not for worse. What I needed more than anything was for him to wake up and hold me, stroke my hair and tell me everything will be ok. What I got was rejection and made fun of….. I am so hurt and angry. My husband was an alcoholic for 6 years and I stood by him through all of his crazy antics. Trying to fight the world, bailing him out of jail, being emotionally abusive to me and our kids, staying up with him having a drunken emotional breakdown until the wee hours of the morning…… all of it. I was there, picking….up…the….pieces! I have always been so strong in our relationship, I havent needed too much consoling, I never cried about dumb drama crap . I have always held my head up high and  sucked it all in. Tonight in a fit of fear I was grabbing him and he was pushing me away…… I am truly alone in this.