I have so many wonderful, amazing things going on in my life. I work two jobs that both pay well. I have amazing friends and family who love me no matter what. I have an even more amazing fiance who know who I am, who knows more about me than I do and who still loves me and wants to marry me. I have a good place to live and two adorable sweet guinea pigs who are my fur babies. I have all these amazing things yet there is one thing I want more than anything else. I would give almost anything to get this something. This something is to hear my dad say he is proud of me and that he loves me. Hear him say  I am doing good with my life. That I am working hard, that I am choosing to spend my life with a man who works very hard for us and who loves me. To hear him say I am doing well. That I am a strong, independent, smart and beautiful woman who is proud to call his daughter. To hear him say these things instead of calling me a failure, calling me a lazy unmotivated crazy piece of shit who would end up doing nothing with her life, spending her life alone. I don’t know why I want this so much. I don’t know why I value his opinion so much, why I let what he thinks of me hurt me so much. You’d think after the way he treated me for years I would eventually stop caring but I haven’t. If anything as I got older, and his opinion of me grew worse I cared more and more. I guess its because he is my father. As my dad he is supposed to support me and be proud of me.  Can’t he see I am working hard? That I am living a good life? That all I want is for him to look me in the eyes and say: “Ashley I am so proud of you, I love you.” Knowing that I am never going to hear him say that, that I am always going to be a disappointment to him breaks my heart. I hate myself for caring so much. I hate myself for wanting something I will never get. Most of all I hate myself for missing him still.  Because despite everything I still miss him and I still love him.  So yes I have all these wonderful things but I would give almost anything to hear him say he’s proud of me.  Why aren’t you proud of me dad? Why am I such a disappointment to you?

 

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