I’m alone. I’ve become this loner, this person I dont know. Some how, some where I forgot what it was like to be me. Ive become awkward at conversations, I dont know what to talk to people about.
This makes me a boring. I say things I think are funny and as they come out I realize they’re inappropriate. Ive got nothing interesting to say, aside from how much I hate where I live or how I’ve gained the weight because I work from home. I always leave out the part where I know I’ve become lazy.
I observe others and most often than not, I’m thinking in that moment: “how do I get there “. How do I leave this stranger that looks at me in the mirror, who wears clothes two sizes bigger than what I used to?
I have no one, not really. Because when I’m here in my thoughts and day after day goes by and I’m still in my thoughts, no one has interrupted the silence that surrounds me. So, really I’m alone.
I’m obsessed with the media, Facebook that is. Instagram, if I feel like envying everyone who pretends to have a better life. Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words, clearly didn’t know the many filters of happiness that come in Instagram.
Facebook used to be my way of keeping in touch with distant family. It’s become a sea of memes, cooking recipes, shopping ads and a political forum in all of its aspects. Even so, it’s become another critical voice that reminds me every couple of months, of just how blissfully unaware I was and just how ignorant to think that I knew everything.
I could continue to think “woe is me” however every couple of weeks my husband will push me out the door to do something ” fun ” but then all I continue to think is “How do I get there?” With him I forget for a minute or two about my silence. But there’s not much he can do when only I can get in my head.
I see possibilities of how to change my life and I always start. But then that silence comes back and I want to kick it out the door but it’s like a rat that fits under the door.