Its been awhile since ive blogged…. or even been on here for that matter. For the most part I was doing good….. Or at least thats what I tell myself daily. Anyhow, tonight my heart was shattered….. utterly shattered. I realized tonight that I am completely alone in my fear, COMPLETELY. I laid down for the night and fell asleep. An hour later I woke up abruptly like usual springing out of bed in full panic mode, waking my husband up along the way telling him I dont feel good and asking him to please wake up. He always gets upset at me because I wake him from sleep but as long as hes talking then at least I know im still here, still in reality. Its nevertheless a voice to communicate with and hopefully distract myself from the sheer terror I feel at the moment. Tonight was different, I was so terrified, I was crying violently begging him to please help me because I was scared. He started asking me what the fuck I was scared of  ” was I afraid I was dying?” I answered  yes I was and he started telling me I was dying and he was done and telling me to fuck off………. 🙁 I ended up running outside because I felt like I was choking with fear. I finally got ahold of myself and came back inside and sat alone with my dogs on the couch just crying uncontrollably. 18 years……. Ive been with my husband for 18 years and tonight I realized that hes in this for better but not for worse. What I needed more than anything was for him to wake up and hold me, stroke my hair and tell me everything will be ok. What I got was rejection and made fun of….. I am so hurt and angry. My husband was an alcoholic for 6 years and I stood by him through all of his crazy antics. Trying to fight the world, bailing him out of jail, being emotionally abusive to me and our kids, staying up with him having a drunken emotional breakdown until the wee hours of the morning…… all of it. I was there, picking….up…the….pieces! I have always been so strong in our relationship, I havent needed too much consoling, I never cried about dumb drama crap . I have always held my head up high and  sucked it all in. Tonight in a fit of fear I was grabbing him and he was pushing me away…… I am truly alone in this.

2 Comments
  1. astralnight 4 years ago

    Im so sorry. Im stuck in OCD that has ruined me almost, completely it feels. I don’t know anymore and im mood swinging and guilty. I am so sorry he did that to you.. some people dont see or feel what you are going through inside and dont see it as serious as you are feeling it. Im not trying to defend or pick sides, but im thinking that because of how scared your husband got by being shook from your screams so suddenly must’ve made him agitated? And since he has been through the worst and you kept him close and cared, and im guessing barely judged him for how he made his actions or abused you, it would have really meant something if he showed some affection.

    This is coming from somebody that been in similar situations like this, and I was the one agitated… im thinking based on that…

    I hate this sudden realization that makes you feel like you’re alone. And trying to fix it all on your own. Im going through this now as I have been for almost 2 years. Nothing ever.got. better even now. I dont know the answer yet, but because of my type of OCD, I cannot talk about it to anyone I feel deeply. Its colors are dreading me at this moment. Im sorry about your anxiety, I would totally think asking a psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist about what to do to NOT make it worse now because it seems seriously.bad. I want to see you better.

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  2. Author
    reeree 4 years ago

    Thank you for caring:)

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