Hey it"s been so long since I have been around here. I lose myself and lock myself in a cave and just cut off so many things…for so many reasons….but I always feel at home around here.  I had chosen for financial reasons and also personal to stop seeing the therapist some months back and completely got off my meds.  I cant lie I was doing nothing but making the war worst by self medicating with weed and all that goes with that…. but I am pretty fed up with it all because that is not the lifestyle that I want for myself.  I feel like i dont even belong on this planet lol much less… my scene..or  some of my friends. Not that i think I\\'m better than them or anything but i just need a change of scenery. Anyhow I am doing some productive things..getting into running and working out … which is something ive never been able to do much because of the hell in my head but I am fighting it because as long as i am physically able to walk..i will not let my brain convince me anymore that i cannot do things that are most certainly possible.  Socially im a mess. And im not just speaking of love life either.  Just in every aspect..and the bad part is that i obsess over the social phobia ………so it makes it all the more worse.  I dont know if anyone can relate to the whole like ** read about it..or think about it..and theres a damn good chance that i just might obsess about it..in the worst way.  I am not to clear in describing myself because even that is a mental block/war with my mind telling me how horrible i am at talking etc.  I just need a bit of relief. a bit of a human connection…… whenever i try to do better for myself in every aspect..whether it be health…eating…excersising….. morals…. what i spend my free time on… if i mess up in just one area…everything else just collapses. I need to learn to take it one battle at a time……. IM tired of always having to or trying to explain my brain to friends.  I just dont even bother anymore…. but it hurts that at times even the most normal acts are such a struggle for me when my mind is attacking me…… and not having anyone understand how hard it hits ones soul is just saddening in a way.  I am stronger in a lot of areas…..wiser…in a way. But i feel more than a failure to all my friends n family.  many people have distanced themselves from me because i  have a hard time keeping in touch or doing anything social but i want to break away from it. I know im a fun person when i am not being tortured…….. and besides all of this clustered up jibberish ( i apologize for all this being such a mess.. and no proper grammer etc.) but anyway… what i miss a heck of a lot is being there for people. that was always a good feeling no matter whats going on with me.  so i hope to renew some friendships around here and welcome any new ones…. god bless. tony.


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