This is gonna be a long one. Dealing with a lot lately… and this is such a tiny box, really.
Craziness at work on Friday. There was a bit of underage drinking after hours on Thursday, and we got ratted out to the big boss. He called us all in, gave us a talking to and generally treated us like immature idiots. I tried to talk about it and express our point of view, but he just got all affronted and shot down my points without allowing me to reply or justify myself. So, I got really worked up. Too worked up. Way more worked up than I can ever remember being and should ever reasonably be. I couldn't stop crying for literally 40 minutes, and after that it was all I could do to hold myself together. I just felt so angry, so helpless and frustrated. (Repressed emotion much?…) I was going to write an email and finish what I started, but after I got back from lunch I realized that was a bad idea. A few hours food and coffee later I'm managing ok, when J messages me to make sure I'm ok and that I know he didn't mean it personally. While we're chatting, he walks up behind me and asks to talk. Just chatting with J online had already caused my fragile hold to crack, and as I walk behind him to a meeting room I start to cry again. We talk and he's still kind of a pretentious asshole even though he tries again and again to say he's just a normal guy (who happens to be CEO) and I can't stop crying. I can't stop tearing up and the lump in my throat and my voice from cracking and it is mortifying. That is the most embarrassed I have ever been in my life. Here I am talking to my CEO, who has personally given me a chance to talk and express my feelings at his mistreatment, an I feel able to do so, and I can't do anything but choke back tears. Even after we stop talking about the main subject and start talking about schools and work I'm crying. When we finish I head straight for the bathroom and sit inside a stall for a bit, taking deep breaths which don't help and hyperventilating. I don't have the emotions behind it anymore – I'm not angry, I'm not frustrated – things have been resolved and I actually feel like other than the crying I gained a little respect, and certainly got noticed… But, on the other hand, I can't stop freaking out and I am beyond embarrassed. I can't stop thinking about everyone noticing my puffy eyes, my flight to the bathroom, overhearing my sobbing through the vents, which of course only makes it worse. Damn you, irony. J comes in eventually to check on me and I get a hug, but nothing changes. This is over an hour past the time he came up and asked to talk. I go outside and find somewhere to sit until I can stand to be seen by other people again, and it's another good 40 minutes before I feel like I can hold it together.
That was Friday, so I haven't been back to the office since… I'm kind of really really nervous. J keeps telling me nobody there judges, but it's more the interns that worry me. More what P thinks that worries me. Which is an interesting subject I will get to in a bit, but for now suffice it to say that I am horribly overthinking this, but it's to the point that just thinking about my reaction to the whole thing starts a panic attack again because I am just so completely humiliated by my behavior and I'm starting to suppress the memory because I'm not sure I can deal with it. Actually, I'm feeling a lot better now after typing it all out… I guess like everything it's easier for me to look at objectively when I can see it somewhere outside my own head. Yes, there were certainly bad things out of it. I insulted my CEO to his face, and he got pretty pissed at me. I admitted to underage drinking at my office. It was very obvious to the majority of my coworkers that I was freaking out pretty bad, for very very little reason when nobody else was. But it ended well, and it was kind of nice to know there's such good support out of it. I think I have a niche in to the CEO now if I ever need to talk with him again. and I have a little more respect for me that I could butt in there and start this whole thing, actually get myself heard and make a god damn difference to his thinking, even if I freaked the fuck out about it.
So. P. The real subject that has been on my mind of late. Sometimes I really, really hate monogamy. I am so seriously into him, and even I can admit that there is some serious sexual tension between us. He's definitely the type of guy I could have a serious relationships with, but that's not what I'm looking for right now, and circumstances would more suit a casual summer fling. Except he's in a committed, 3-years running relationship. I couldn't really care less, but it's making me feel guilty and jealous and spiteful and bitchy and all sorts of horrible things just because there's such delicious chemistry between us, and I have absolutely no idea what outcomes are allowed in this situation. Honestly, ideally for me would be for us to get together just for the summer, and either take a break for a bit when his full girlfriend comes to visit, or just have fun with all 3 of us… I just want him, damnit. I certainly don't mind sharing and have no intention to stake a long-term claim, I just fucking want him. Augh.
On a similar topic, I've been very… open lately in conversations. This weekend in particular the interns in general have gotten much more explicit and confessional in our conversations. M and P and I all got together and smoked for a bit and talked about that, which got everyone talking about smoking and drugs, and got pretty far into that, especially with the fair today… Also, we were just sitting by the pool chatting and snarking at each other per usual, and trading stories. I ended up telling my threesome story, as well as dropping lots of suggestive hints about girls. (There was also this spectacularly beautiful creature in a skimpy amber bathing suit which was distracting me during this time) Again, it's kind of embarrassing and kind of feels like I'm earning respect. Either way, it feels good to be open. Though I'm worried about B. Tonight while we were both pretty high I definitely started to get more vibes than usual from him. He was doing the whole casual touch thing, which he has never done before with anybody else, and on top of everything else I've gotten from him it makes me a little nervous. Granted, he's a very safe choice for a summer fling and certainly was something I pondered about at the beginning, but he so pales in comparison to P it's not even mildly interesting. I'm tired of sleeping with people I'm not attracted to, especially when there's someone specific I'm much more attracted to close at hand. Especially when it's obvious the connection is mutual. And only stupid societal norm restrictions are preventing it.
Why is it that all these charming, sexy, rebellious boys end up with good little proper girls? I would have been all over D a long time ago, if his girlfriend hadn't been such a good friend. Not that she's exactly prudish, but she's awfully vanilla. Super liberal, but personally very mainstream straightlace. and P's girlfriend – not that I actually know anything about her, but just from the fact that he's been with her for 3 years and hid his smoking the entire time leads me to believe there's an imbalance there. Such… boring girls. I'm sure they're all sweet and charming and lovely, but I feel like there's so much lost potential when they claim these guys. Perhaps it's just the song I'm listening to right now, but I feel like it's caging/taming a wild stallion… Pardon me for overusing an old cliche, but it's awfully true. Give them sugar and pat them down and lock them in the stable for the night. You can't kill the fire inside or the wildness shining out of those eyes, but you sure as hell can restrain it.